observing

- I can see the neighboring houses from my second floor windows. I watched the guy who lives in the house next door come home and lock his bicycle up. Then, he walked around the back of the house, of which I have a prime-time view, and peed. I watched him pee in the yard like a true voyeur.

- my bathroom is a couple steps from my apartment. It is private and only I use it. I woke up from a nap and went out to use it and a small gray cat greeted me. It was very happy to see a person. I think this cat gets out a lot because I hear it often. It wove in between my legs a lot and meowed and took great interest in my bunny slippers. When I opened the door to the bathroom it ran inside! I had to throw it out twice. When I emerged the cat was not as friendly- it would weave between my legs and occasionally jump up on my leg and pretend to bite me! Then I waited for it to hear another person to run to so I could go inside my apartment. Being allergic to cats is lame. It's still out in the hall crying. Now I'm kind of afraid to go out to go to the grocery store.

I'm lonely tonight, but feeling alright

I have neglected this blog.  I have been alternating between being overwhelmingly busy and not having much to do at all.

I've been reading a lot for pleasure again, which always inspires me to write more.  I am tempted by National Novel Writing Month (nanowrimo) but am resisting because friend G and I got selected to be in the Sustainable Midlands Holiday Market selling out wares (of which I need to be making instead of a novel).

It has been feeling like my life is something similar to a John Irving novel lately.  I recently got an email from my dad about all of my classmates that have come to him to buy engagement rings (he is a jeweler).  I have always known that he is one of the first people in the town I grew up in to know about people's intentions of marriage [it used to thrill me as a child that my dad held such huge secrets], but now those people are people I grew up with.  [I think this is an amazing basis for a novel].  I mostly have felt a general feeling of nausea when hearing about things like this (engagements, babies, weddings), though lately I have just been feeling giddy and happy for those people.  I think a lot of it is just knowing how happy they are at that moment and for the coming months.  I do get jealous these days, though, of people who seem have their shit together.  I think that is because I get lonely.  I am so much better at it than I was but sometimes the rollercoaster that controls my brain chemistry just dives too fast and misinterprets things in dumb ways.  I like this video a lot:



I went to Moogfest on Friday night, it was basically the most fun thing ever.  I miss dancing and djs and crazy lights and feeling euphoric.  I saw my 7th grade boyfriend and recognized him by his voice.  I'm still reeling a little from that, though I was in a rush and couldn't talk.  I can't believe shit, sometimes.

Gosh, feeling down late at night is lame.  I need to sleep.  I really want to feel certain of some things.  I think people go through life looking for certainty about things and the more they find the happier they are, even if that certainty is that they just don't give a damn.

Anyway, I have been listening to The Secret Sisters non stop for like 4 days and mostly just this song:

Things I like all playing together

So, there is a J. Crew distribution center near where I live.  Said distribution center has a big warehouse sale once a month where lots of the cute vintage inspired clothes are marked down to prices that I can afford (can't afford J. Crew normally).  I go pretty much every time it happens if I'm able and have saved some money for it.  This morning I went and waited in line for the longest amount of time EVER (2 hours) but left with some really great pieces.

While waiting in line they had the current J. Crew catalog on hand to whet all the shopping appetites of all the many women waiting (there were some men, most there not on their own accord).  I looked through it twice and found that one of the male models in the current (September 2010) catalog HAS A GIANT BEARD and looks like he JUST JUMPED SHIP FROM THE ALLMAN BROTHERS' ALBUM "BROTHERS AND SISTERS" AND PUT ON A SUIT.

Way to go clean cut J. Crew.  Now I'm going to search my body for the device that obviously has been planted in me that lets J. Crew know everything I like in the world.  I bet the next catalog will come with a free wheaten terrier that smells like lavender when you pet it.

the end

Apple Juice

It just occurred to me that I never posted my entry to an Earthfare video contest on here.  It stars the boys I babysit, S and O.  They are major characters in my life- as you will understand if you watch the video.

Be sure to look out for S being 100% hilarious and repeating everything O says and the chocolate all over O's teeth at one point.  Oh boy, I do love those boys.

I need the darkness, someone please cut the lights

I'm back in Asheville.  I'm pretty pleased to be back.  My living situation has caused some stress but I am moving at the end of the month so things will be changing soon.  It will be my first apartment all to myself.  I've been reading the blog Tiny-Ass Apartment as well as obsessing over Apartment Therapy since I put the deposit down.  I'll be purging a lot of my stuff soon to prepare.  The possibility of a dog is in the future once I recover from the financial stress of doctors bills (all well visits) housing deposits, travel, etc.

I had a pretty crazy experience while I was at home.  My mom and I went to the Verizon store to get new phones (time to sign a new contract).  I seriously hate going to the Verizon store.  I usually do look forward to getting a new phone (toy) and can deal with the store for that- but this time.... I think the combination of the weight of getting a new phone when my old one works pretty well (4+ years later!) and my mom trying to explain what she wanted to the commission-obsessed salesman when she doesn't really understand what exactly she wants... I don't know.  The store was packed with people musing over new phone gadgets and I just started feeling really really crazy.  I thought I was going to freak out, it must be what people who get claustrophobic feel like.  I just told mom we had to leave and I walked out.  She was good about it and we just left.  I've never gone nuts in that way before.  I think the bi-polar-ness I feel when I'm at home influenced that a lot.  I have moments of extreme vulnerability when I'm there.

I think I'm going through some kind of life-stage that is purely grounded in a holistic search to make me happy.  That includes not working a standard 40-hour a week job, learning to be comfortable in solitude (dealing with loneliness in healthy ways), and just saying yes to everything that has potential for excitement, even if there may be consequences later.  Being in the mountains makes me so happy.  It thrills me that I can drive for a while and sleep outside where I can see ALL THE STARS.

Since I work about 20 hours a week right now (all at night), I have a lot of time to play during the day.  I've been trying to fill my days as much as possible with outside activities and exercise.  Being outside and moving helps my brain so much.  I try to go on at least one adventure every day.

I have been listening pretty much solely to Lissie lately (burnout on She & Him is a sad reality).  Lissie's album is going to be huge, I promise.  In case you might question her complete rad-ness here is PROOF:


I babysat a lot last week.  4-year-old S is trip, hanging out with him is like hanging out with someone who is on drugs (typical 4-year-old).  He was drinking some kind of sparkling water drink he calls "fizzy water."   I said, "S, what does that fizzy water taste like?" and he said very slowly,
"it. tastes. like. your. blood."
"really? how do you know that?"
"I don't know"
"you said it tastes like my blood, what does that taste like?"
".......fizzy water"

I also would like to plug quite possibly the greatest blog I've read in years: Hyperbole and a Half.  You should read the greatest entry of all time which is called This is Why I'll Never be an Adult.  It explained my life to myself in a way that I had not ever realized.

I got a ticket to see Sufjan Stevens in Asheville when he comes in November.  I am hoping (borderline praying) that he will play some of his Christmas music when he is here.

Here are some pictures from recent adventures:

This is the jam:

home on the range

I am staying at my mom's house in SC this week.  Here is a list she made on a piece of paper that I have been glancing at for the past 30 minutes until I realized there is no unifying theme (that I can tell, I'm sure there is).  In the theme of Found Magazine, I give you this list (I "estimated" on some words)  Also, "CHS" in her language refers to Charleston, SC:

90 degrees in the shade Look Away!
Naturalist
William Bartram Palmetto State
Chatooga trails
ID plants & animals
locating dude in villages
Low Country - Sandhills
Highlander
Ceril Waisetes
1 ce tea Elvis
Shagging (state dance) @ Myrtle Beach
Porgy & Bess
Historic, Deliverance's Chatooga
Beautiful & Romantic CHS
Hiking History Rivers
Gardens - plantations, wars, CHS fills 2 shelveo@

Wind in my Sails

I am in Connecticut visiting my family.  My aunt has pretty bad breast cancer and she just got done with a really aggressive form of chemo.  She is really sick.  She doesn't have any hair.  I have never been around a cancer patient like this.  It makes me so afraid.

My cousins were here, though (they are my age) and it was great to be around the whole family.  It's so rare to have "everyone together" when you grow up, I always think about people as part of the unit they were with when I was a child.  I love it when it all comes back together.

My uncle recently bought a sailboat off of craigslist.  He doesn't know how to sail very well but we still went out twice this past weekend on the Thames river.  He taught me to sail and now I am totally in love with sailing.  There is magic in the power of wind blowing you across the water- trying to harness it just enough to go where you intend to go but recognizing that you really don't have any control at all.  That wind can die down just as fast as it can pick up.  It falls into my mantra that I've been thinking a lot about in the past few months: "Don't push the river, it flows."  Also, the energy conservation geek in me gets totally high off of the fact that the boat is powered on nothing but wind- way cool.  On one tack I caught the wind and the boat leaned 30 degrees!  (that is a lot)

One hand on the tiller and one hand on the jib line tacking like a motherfucking professional

I was supposed to catch the train back to NYC this afternoon but a huge thunderstorm knocked out the electricity to the Amtrak trains running between Boston and NYC.  I am secretly glad to stay, even though the cousins and their friends are gone now.  I really love how healing it can be to be in a "grownup" household.  

One year later

A brief reflection one year later:

you go toward Georgetown, I'll go toward Georgia Ave

Here are some things that have happened recently.  I'm on the Boltbus going to NYC right now and bored out of my mind.

1. On the fourth of July I went to a BBQ/ potluck in Takoma Park.  At said event Henry Allen (pulitzer prize winning former writer for the Post) stood on a deck overlooking the party with an American flag draped over his shoulders reading the decleration of independance.  At the conclusion, after four tries, a replica Civil War canon was shot (at nothing in particular).  I ate at least 4 different potato salads.

2. At the wonderful Thai market / cafe I mentioned in my last post I was hanging out eating some sticky rice- killing time.  An old woman came in with a man who seemed to be her son.  She was Asian but not Thai and it was obvious that English was not her first language.  She was acting like a general crotichity old woman- looking at the menu and the food and interrorgating the Thai man behind the counter (who is also older).  She kept saying, "Where is de rice?  Rice?  I do not see de rice!!  Rice rice rice!" and then she looked at the man behind the counter and said, "Do you haveee any rice?!"  and the man said, "OF COURSE WE HAVE RICE!  ASIANS EAT RICE!"  and everyone laughed.  At one point he also offered his glasses to her because she wasn't reading any of the signs posted.  ("CAN'T YOU SEE?  YOU NEED HELP?!")

3. The night before last I had a dream that somehow got tickets to see She & Him at the 9:30 club in DC.  Apparently a man who looked exactly like Neil Young attacked me for having them (?) and I screamed but then I didn't care.  I went to the show with my bff C.  When I woke up it was the kind of wake-up where your eyes just pop open and you sit up and are like BAM.  THAT DREAM NEEDS TO HAPPEN. but not the getting attacked by Neil Young part.

4. Last night I ate dinner with old friend D.  I ate some kind of Indonesian noodle dish which I enjoyed.  Afterward I took him home (cars are magic) and thought it would be too late to catch the She & Him show at the 9:30 club that started at 7.  I got there at about 8:20 thinking, "what am I doing, there is NO WAY I'm going to get in... this show has been sold out for a while..."  But I was resolute to see Zooey (especially after dreaming about seeing her) so I parked my car and marched over to the crowd of DC hipsters (pathetic attempts at hipster).  I waited around a while, no one was selling tickets (9:30 lets you sell tickets at face out front- pretty sweet).  I watched a couple guys buy some tickets and then it was my turn!  I got a ticket for $30 and went in.  It was PACKED and sweaty hot (what isn't sweaty hot these days?).  I pushed towards the front.  She & Him didn't even go on until 9:30 (joke's on me?  is this always how it goes?) It was such a great show.  Zooey is so tiny, I somehow thought she would at least be taller.  She is a very small person.  M. Ward rules.  They played a cover of "Wouldn't it be Nice" which Zooey said they had never played before.  Zooey's eyes sparkle in real life just like they do in pictures.  That was cool.  Also she doesn't smile much but does jump around a lot.  Her voice is perfect.  I hate DC/ hipsters for not dancing at all, I know it was packed and stuff but standing there like you're in a conference or something is ridiculous, especially with that music.  I danced alone.

5. At the 9:30 club they are very strict about bringing in cameras.  If they find one in your bag they will take it away and make you check it.  They found mine (tears) but they didn't find my FISHEYE FILM CAMERA so I took pics with that.  HAHAHA WHO IS THE MOST HIPSTER OF ALL.  THIS GIRL.  I still really wish I had known about the camera rule, it would have been so easy to sneak it in my bra or in a zipper pocket in my purse.  Damn.

6. I was walking to the Takoma Park metro this afternoon and passed by a young man.  He looked at me and said "hey, try to stay cool and have a good day!" and I said "thank you!  You do the same!"  I LOVE TAKOMA PARK.

7. Oh, the hot.  Being hot makes me forget to eat.

8. I really need to start actively giving up dairy.  It makes me feel so sick.  I ate frozen yogurt twice in one day the other day (hard to resist when you're so goddamn hot in the city) and felt SO BAD afterward.  I know I'm lactose intolerant- it's just hard when the only reprocussions are feeling terrible for a while- which apparently I have been unknowingly dealing with for several years so I'm used to how it feels.  I am going to use Zooey for inspiration, she is allergic to dairy.

9. I love Paul the octopus.  http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/07/08/AR2010070802495.html?wpisrc=nl_most

HALF PRICE Y'ALL

Explorations in Maryland and a significant reduction in snot have led to a much happier E.

I found a Thai grocery store / restaurant that I am IN LOVE WITH.  http://www.yelp.com/biz/thai-market-silver-spring $1 Thai iced tea and all their food is $6 or less!  I ate some mango sticky rice and forgot how DENSE sticky rice is.  Whoa.  It's awesome.  I also procured an actual bag of tea to MAKE MY OWN THAI ICED TEA.  I swore I wouldn't do this because it would lead to the downfall of one of my favorite things of all time but... can't resist a bag of loose tea.  Also, IT COMES IN A CAN, TOO.

After spending some time in there examining everything I set out for Value Village, which I have heard in these parts is a massive thrift empire.  Today the entire store was half off.  I actually had specific items I needed and this place took care of it.  It was a terrible mad house but definitely worth it.  I may have gone overboard with ceramic cats but... HALF PRICE Y'ALL.

  Here are some recent pictures from the National Zoo, 4th of July, various parties, etc.

Holiday red, white, and BLUES

I'm surrounded by wonderful people and still feel so lonely.  I think I've been homesick lately because I just want to be around my mom.  She knows me to the core.  I want someone to see through me so much.  When someone in your life knows you that well and is "taken away" or has to be stifled for whatever reason- I swear it is like being dismembered.


Tonight was the first time I have ever desperately wanted a sibling.  Jesus Christ, I need to get the hell back to Asheville and get a dog.


Maybe when my hormones quit raging and this goddamn virus goes away I will catch the upside of the roller coaster and ride it out for a while.  The clarity I have when I am happy and the clarity I have when I am sad is overwhelming.

I'm getting blown away.

For the past week I have gone from feeling woozy and sick to a full on epic cold.  I've never had a cold in the summer before.  You don't get to curl up under a blanket with hot tea.  Also- there is no long sleeve to wipe your nose on.  I've been lying on top of the bed in my underwear just hoping the snot and coughing and sneezing will stop.  It should also be noted that when you're about to sneeze but can't is comparable to really bad sex.


The city relaxed on the summer heat and it has been glorious.  Today I opened the window and let the cool air in all day.  This evening the neighbor dogs were having fits.  They sound really small, the barks are high pitched and seem to not be aimed at anything in particular.  It is really obnoxious.  In between the dog fits one of the dog owners was playing his guitar and singing.  He played some Led Zeppelin and other classic rock favorites, stopping only to chastise the dogs by saying things like "if you don't stop I'm going to kill you, stop... STOP.... stooooooop!"  The last song he played was "Like a Hurricane."  


I have been spending a lot of money lately.  I've been buying Chinese pastries and a lot of Thai food.  I also bought several mangos and a couple jicamas.  When I bought the jicamas the hispanic guy who weighed them asked me how I eat them.  "I eat them plain, just raw" I said.  He said he likes them with salt and lime juice and chili powder on them.  I think I will try that when I do eat them this time.


I've been eating so many mangos that it makes me have an allergic reaction on my lips.  Did you know Mango sap has urushiol in it, the same chemical that causes such terrible reactions to poison ivy?  I'm usually fine and only have a mild reaction if I don't scrape the peel with my teeth or gnaw on the pit (both things I used to do).


I bought tickets for a great adventure next weekend.  I am so lucky to have the friends that I do.  It's like the bus driver that says "Have a blessed day" - thank you bus driver, I do feel blessed.

Summer Narcissism

I'm spending a month in DC currently.  It is hot but the breeze I get on my $35 cruiser bike helps.  The jerky brakes also keep me alert.

Today after convincing myself that I didn't actually feel as bad as I had imagined I would (repercussions from a friend's birthday celebration last night) I had a great telephone pow-wow with C.  She inspired me to drag the jerky $35 bike downstairs and ride ride ride to the Bloomingdale farmer's market where I have acquired a taste for the baguettes a local bakery sells.  The salesman is a sweet man and he always greets me with "Bonjour!" and "Merci Madame."  I get to pretend I'm in a sunny Paris for those few moments and for the remainder of my adventures with my baguette sticking out of my bag (half the fun of buying a baguette).

I helped a new friend with his vermicompost.  Undertaking an urban garden is somewhat of a depressing thing but if one has enough energy it can be rewarding.  I watched him dig up some pretty bad looking soil only to find that bricks had been laid about three inches below the dirt.  Now the bricks line the garden so no one will step on the plants.  Getting the worms out of the compost is kind of difficult.  I ended up just trying to pick out the "dirt" and putting the worms back.  I'm really thrilled about this compost because it means I can save my own food scraps for the worms.  I haven't gotten to do that in too long.  I need to start my own compost.

I returned home, ate a mango (great mango deal on Saturday) and went back out to meet a friend at the National Gallery to see the special exhibition of Allen Ginsberg's photographs. (the National Gallery's site is down?!  That link actually is important, maybe more than the nga.gov site)  Most of the photos were portraits and so interesting.  He provided commentary on each one at some point- it was very intimate.  I find it amazing that artists of that caliber all would know each other and be pals- though it isn't surprising.  You know, just hanging out with Jack Kerouac, Bob Dylan, other homies.  Stopping in the National Gallery also reminded me how awesome the Smithsonian system is.  You can walk in off the street, turn a few corners and walk right up to this, or this.  Thanks America!

We left the museum and were instantly entertained by a drag show going on in front of the National Gallery as part of the Gay Pride celebrations going on this week.  The city breathes!

Dates with Mountains

Went for a hike in early March with G and borrowed dog, Rosa.  Rosa is the smartest dog I've ever encountered.  G and I didn't know exactly where to go and Rosa always knew.  We would start walking the wrong way and Rosa would practically roll her eyes at us.  I need a dog that is smarter than me.

The mountains here look so grown up with snow all over them..  The snow makes them look taller!  It was a perfect spring day on Saturday, 70 degrees and sunny- first day out with bare legs.  Then today while I was at work I looked out of the window at one point and it was POURING SNOW.  Western North Carolina does this every year but every year it takes everyone by surprise.  I get excited every time.

riding in a spaceship, 1984

Today I got my taxes done and came home and ate brussel sprouts for lunch.  There is nothing like a wakeup call that you are a grownup like doing taxes and eating brussel sprouts.

I think I balanced it out tonight, though, by eating Thai food (after I swore off spending any more money for the next 3 months), going out to a new bar, and then wandering into a punk show downtown....

also, to further prove my childishness here is what I can't stop watching / listening to:

Triumphant Return of Internet Whore

This morning I woke up with the song “Home” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros in my head:

Home, Let me come home
Home is whenever I’m with you
Home, yes I am home
Home is wherever I’m with you

Returning from Paris after visiting my best friend there has really made me feel like home is just about who you’re with.  I thought I would be devastated to return to Asheville after the fantasy Paris vacation, and it is kind of hard to see how expensive goat cheese is here, but my friends and the sunny mountains are providing a wonderful homecoming.  The buffer of seeing a lot of lovies in DC due to a welcomed layover also helped- and reminded me that I am anything but alone.

I turned this blog off (you didn’t miss any posts, I just put it on lockdown) because I couldn’t keep my overwhelming winter sadness off of the internet.  I am healed now and motivated to make this space more interesting and less personal (the way it started out in the beginning).  This will continue to be a personal blog, though.