I need the darkness, someone please cut the lights

I'm back in Asheville.  I'm pretty pleased to be back.  My living situation has caused some stress but I am moving at the end of the month so things will be changing soon.  It will be my first apartment all to myself.  I've been reading the blog Tiny-Ass Apartment as well as obsessing over Apartment Therapy since I put the deposit down.  I'll be purging a lot of my stuff soon to prepare.  The possibility of a dog is in the future once I recover from the financial stress of doctors bills (all well visits) housing deposits, travel, etc.

I had a pretty crazy experience while I was at home.  My mom and I went to the Verizon store to get new phones (time to sign a new contract).  I seriously hate going to the Verizon store.  I usually do look forward to getting a new phone (toy) and can deal with the store for that- but this time.... I think the combination of the weight of getting a new phone when my old one works pretty well (4+ years later!) and my mom trying to explain what she wanted to the commission-obsessed salesman when she doesn't really understand what exactly she wants... I don't know.  The store was packed with people musing over new phone gadgets and I just started feeling really really crazy.  I thought I was going to freak out, it must be what people who get claustrophobic feel like.  I just told mom we had to leave and I walked out.  She was good about it and we just left.  I've never gone nuts in that way before.  I think the bi-polar-ness I feel when I'm at home influenced that a lot.  I have moments of extreme vulnerability when I'm there.

I think I'm going through some kind of life-stage that is purely grounded in a holistic search to make me happy.  That includes not working a standard 40-hour a week job, learning to be comfortable in solitude (dealing with loneliness in healthy ways), and just saying yes to everything that has potential for excitement, even if there may be consequences later.  Being in the mountains makes me so happy.  It thrills me that I can drive for a while and sleep outside where I can see ALL THE STARS.

Since I work about 20 hours a week right now (all at night), I have a lot of time to play during the day.  I've been trying to fill my days as much as possible with outside activities and exercise.  Being outside and moving helps my brain so much.  I try to go on at least one adventure every day.

I have been listening pretty much solely to Lissie lately (burnout on She & Him is a sad reality).  Lissie's album is going to be huge, I promise.  In case you might question her complete rad-ness here is PROOF:


I babysat a lot last week.  4-year-old S is trip, hanging out with him is like hanging out with someone who is on drugs (typical 4-year-old).  He was drinking some kind of sparkling water drink he calls "fizzy water."   I said, "S, what does that fizzy water taste like?" and he said very slowly,
"it. tastes. like. your. blood."
"really? how do you know that?"
"I don't know"
"you said it tastes like my blood, what does that taste like?"
".......fizzy water"

I also would like to plug quite possibly the greatest blog I've read in years: Hyperbole and a Half.  You should read the greatest entry of all time which is called This is Why I'll Never be an Adult.  It explained my life to myself in a way that I had not ever realized.

I got a ticket to see Sufjan Stevens in Asheville when he comes in November.  I am hoping (borderline praying) that he will play some of his Christmas music when he is here.

Here are some pictures from recent adventures:

This is the jam:

Coming Home

A lot has been going on. I moved back to Asheville (very stressful) but I am really happy about it. My boyfriend helped me a lot which was really nice. After all the mean packing got done we went to Great Falls, VA to check out the crazy waterfalls on the Potomac (see picture).

My new job is really exciting and exactly what I should have been doing the whole time. Happy non-profit flexible job! My office is in the upstairs of a cute house across the street from a great coffee shop. There are two types of lavender next to the sidewalk to the porch as well as a hydrangea. Those are basically my two favorite plants/flowers. The lavender is blooming right now so you can smell it when you walk by. From the window of my desk I can see the blue ridge mountains. It has been my fantasy in life to live in a room where you can see those mountains. My senior year of college I could kind of see a ridge line- so I guess that counts, but I finally have the real deal with this office. Unbelievable. I miss talkin' trash and recycling but energy conservation is all related.

My new apartment is super cute and really cheap. I live downtown and can walk to everything I need. I am around the corner from Greenlife Grocery for instant food gratification and I just discovered today that the closest ATM to me is from a credit union and DOESN'T CHARGE ME A FEE TO USE IT?!?! Magic happens in Asheville. Anyways, my room is pretty small but that is ok with me, it is basically only for sleeping and dressing and storing. It is a 3 bedroom apartment in a big house that has been separated into apartments. I am still searching for a bed (hard to do without a car) so I have a palate on the floor which is fine for now. The biggest improvement overall I think are all the windows in my life now. There are windows in my office (my old office didn't have windows, it was awful), there are WINDOWS IN MY ROOM that look over a wooded lot. Since the room is on the second floor of the house it feels like I am in a tree house!! Lots of trees. I can hear birds, even identify some of them! There is a church close by that rings bells on the hour. At 12:00, 5:00 and I think 6:00 it plays crazy bell songs for like 15 minutes. I'm in love. It's exactly what I wanted / needed.

New roommate K is totally awesome, as well. She and I went to college together and it is really such a good situation. She has a cat, Queen, that lives with us too. I am allergic to cats, only if I pet them and love them like I want to though. So we live an awkward existence- I talk to Queen a lot but if she gets too close I have to shoo her away. I hate doing that but so it goes. I call her the following names:
Queen
Queenie
Queen Bean
McQueen
Little White Cat
Little Cat
Bad Cat

I thought for a while that Eloise (from one of my favorite children's books of all time) had a pet dog named Queenie but after some research it turns out her pug is named Weenie. Queen is 15 years old! She acts younger than that, though. She takes a long time to sit down. She is very small and quiet. She tries to go out of the door of the apartment anytime you open it, though when she does actually get out she is too scared to go down the stairs to properly escape. Our relationship is complicated and sad because I do love her but I can't pet her, so she is still kind of mystified by me. She is a very friendly cat.

Since moving back I have been riding my bike to and from work every day. The first few days were kind of hard- I had to reacquaint myself to the hills around here. Now I am pretty comfortable with them- I think a lot of it is just getting into routine. I am in the process of getting a car, sadly, because the program I'm doing requires it. I'm telling myself it won't be so bad because I can drive home for the weekend if I want, or drive to Pisgah to go hiking, go to DC, go to my favorite grocery store on the planet Amazing Savings (they don't have a website! Figures...) or go to anywhere I want.

This morning, my first real Saturday since I've been back, I got up extra early to check out a yard sale on my street. I was hoping for a bed- they did have a futon, which I considered, but I really don't like sleeping on futons. Instead I got a MSR Whisperlite Internationale Backpacking Stove, something I have wanted SPECIFICALLY for years- they were selling it for $20! Ha! This stove rules because:
#1 It's a Whisperlite, the stove I am used to using since my very first backpacking trip
#2 It's SOOOO LIGHT
#3 It's constructed really simply so even an engineering dummy like me can take the thing apart and fix it if it's screwy
#4 The internationale version of the Whisperlite can run off of lots of different kinds of fuels, not just white gas. This sucker can even run on JET FUEL if you happen to have it when your plane crashes and you have extra jet fuel. EXTRA SPECIAL!!!!

I also got a Minolta Dynax 5 SLR film camera for $25. I just need to get some batteries! What a steal. All my SLR's die (I probably have a graveyard of at least 4 or 5 in my room in my mom's house) so when I see a cheap one I like to snatch it up and use it until it dies, too. It's cheaper than getting the old ones fixed, that's for damn sure. So hopefully some happy really nice pictures soon. This camera even came with the instruction book and still had the original receipt! Crazy! Maybe this one won't die. I can hope.

I also made french toast for breakfast, something I haven't done in a long time. I should cook things that aren't stir-fry more often. haha. NAAAHHHH

Being back in Asheville has felt like coming home. I am really pleased with everything so far.

Everything needs to fix itself

I am feeling very frustrated and lame right now. I really hate not being busy (socially). There are a lot of complex things going on but as sad as they all are it boils down to the fact that I really can't wait to get out of here. There are a lot of things that I want to stay in DC for but in every situation there is something to ruin it. For example: I love my roommate E. We are great roommates. But I HATE LIVING IN A BASEMENT. I love trash, recycling, money, and my coworkers at my job. I HATE MY BOSS. I HATE MY TASKS AT WORK. WORK IS MISERABLE. These examples go on and on. So I may as well just leave all this shit to fix itself and possibly return in the future. I am sad and excited at the same time.

Asheville here I come! I'm leaving in 3 or 4 days.

The Merry Blues

I returned to Asheville last weekend to celebrate graduation at Warren Wilson with friends- it turned out to be a huge 1-year-out-of-college reunion for a lot of folks. I was so ecstatically happy for a couple days- it feels so good to be manically happy after looking forward to something for so long. Seeing my boyfriend was also so good- I miss him every day. I have a lot of guilt for moving away, though I know that if I had stayed down there until he finished school I would have resented myself/him. I really had too much fun in Asheville, I knew it would happen. Right when I feel good about living in DC and charting a new course I go back and screw it all up with those intoxicating mountains, bearded men, and bluegrass. I almost wish Asheville were so far away that I really couldn't return, just so that temptation wouldn't be there and I could be left to forge a new existence without being foiled in one visit.

I am filled with a constant dilemma. Every day, I think about whether I should keep on with my new life in DC or if I should move back to Asheville. There are such wonderful advantages to both places. It was a very easy decision before I made good friends in DC- just wait out my lease here and then go back. Now I have people that make me happy here- I love the independence I have in the city- no car, easy access to whatever I want, always fun things going on and places to explore. It seems like I meet new people all the time who are really smart and successful. My old friends are constantly visiting me here- it is rare that I am alone. At the same time, the city can be grating on me. It's hard to get out of the concrete when you really want to- I feel awkward about listening to My Morning Jacket and Fleet Foxes, it is honestly inappropriate to listen to that stuff in a city. I miss the watchful mountains of Western NC and the familiar faces and places there. I miss being close to my mom, and boyfriend, too. I know I would be happy in both places- that is the biggest problem. Which would make me happiest? I was always under the impression that after college life is glamorous and easy, you set yourself up and just go. It is like that sometimes- but there are always problems. It would be so much easier to not get so attached to people and places. At least I got out of South Carolina and have no desire to return.

I suppose the answer is just to continue the wait for my lease to go up- see how the summer goes. My job is miserable, so that does have a large influence. Today, I lean toward staying in DC. Tomorrow, we'll see. The answer is always "wait and see what happens" for EVERYTHING.

I also am aware of what I have termed "Asheville Disease" - which is a disease that affects those who have visited or lived in Asheville and fell in love with it but can't find a way to return. Those of us who live every day with the pull to go back but no opportunity for a decent job there or some other obstacle that keeps us where we are. Asheville Disease is made worse by going back, of course. There is another saying about Warren Wilson graduates- there are two types. The ones that stay in Asheville and can't find a job and the ones that leave Asheville, have a job, but are just trying to go back. This is so true it is pathetic. It's nice to not be alone in my illness, though.

I am also finally aware of the fact that choosing Warren Wilson College was the best possible decision I could have made about where to go to school. It took this long to realize it, but a big thank you to 18-year-old Elizabeth is in order. Seriously, I went to the perfect school for me. I have no regrets about it and I don't think I would have been happier anywhere else. There were times when I thought about transferring- but I found the people that I needed to learn and to grow so it worked out. It makes paying the loans not so terrible.

I am also aware now that there are way more people reading this blog than I thought. I'll try to update it more. I know I always say that.

New New New New

Wow, things have changed a lot since my last post. I will try to catch everyone up quickly.

I flew up to Baltimore early on Friday 9/19 and, with all my stuff that I could manage to bring on the plane without paying an extra fee, took bus and train from Baltimore to Alexandria to stay with my friend J and her roommates. I couchsurfed her house and spent every waking moment looking on craigslist for apartments. I was too stressed out and crazed to go to parties and be social, which was frustrating because J and her roommates and friends are really cool. I got really homesick and scared the first night but I've been mostly ok since then.

I took the metro a lot to meet with my roommate, E, who was my childhood best friend from home. We went to school together for 14 years! Back together again! It's so amazing how things come full circle sometimes.

The first apartment we looked at we really liked. We let the landlord know that we wanted to sign the lease and he said he'd get back to us in a day about it. He didn't get back to us! So we sadly gave it up for lost and looked at another mediocre place... I thought I was doomed to couchdom for ever (this feeling occurred day 2 of couch time). But the next day the landlord emailed E and said we got it! We signed a lease on Tuesday and I moved in on Wednesday. I'm still on a couch, but at least it's my couch (the apartment even came with a really nice couch, matching chair, and coffee table!)

So I started my new job on Monday and it has been an adventure. I am a low level bureaucrat in a county government. I am a Commercial Recycling Inspector. I go around and inspect businesses and multi-family homes to make sure they are recycling the way that they are required to to comply with the county RECYCLING LAW. That's right, RECYCLING LAW!!!!!!!!! I am really happy, and EXTREMELY lucky that I got this job. Basically I will be teaching people about recycling all day. I won't be stuck in an office all the time! One main hilarious part is that I do have an office, a cubicle, in a short row of cubicles. It's so hideous! I'm going to spiff it up soon, though. So basically recycling <3 <3 <3 dreams can come true. I get to talk trash all the time with people who know more about recycling than I do!!!

Today I woke up early to go yard-sailing. The apartment doesn't have anything in it and E and I both are living out of suitcases only, so we don't have house crap, or a car to get it. I picked up some nice hangers, a pot, a hairdryer, hair straightener, picture hanging kit, peeler, etc at a church yard sale for $10 so that was very fruitful. E and I went to Target and got a lot of things we needed. I'm so used to doing that kind of thing at thrift stores but we really needed the stuff ASAP.

I just got back from going to check out a bed I found for sale on craigslist. It is AMAZING how expensive brand-new beds are, and yeah Ikea beds are cheap but they are crappy. The apartment I went to was a guy and his girlfriend, they had really nice stuff. I wish I weren't so broke (the security deposit and the rent really broke the bank and I don't get my first paycheck till next week!) But I am springing for this bed because it is really nice and almost brand new for a fraction of the new price. I got an iron, too. I haven't ironed a damn thing since I graduated from high school.

It's so weird having to wear work clothes, it's the same crap I had to wear in high school (we had a strict dress code) and I forgot how uncomfortable it is / the ironing part. yeesh.

So I am going to update the blog so it's not "recent college grad looking for work" to "happy college grad starting out new in WASHINGTON DC!!!!!!!!!!!" I'll keep you posted on the happenings of DC, there is always something insane, every day!

OH YEAH: NEW COMPUTER= FULL POSTING CAPABILITIES! I'll get on that!