Holiday red, white, and BLUES

I'm surrounded by wonderful people and still feel so lonely.  I think I've been homesick lately because I just want to be around my mom.  She knows me to the core.  I want someone to see through me so much.  When someone in your life knows you that well and is "taken away" or has to be stifled for whatever reason- I swear it is like being dismembered.


Tonight was the first time I have ever desperately wanted a sibling.  Jesus Christ, I need to get the hell back to Asheville and get a dog.


Maybe when my hormones quit raging and this goddamn virus goes away I will catch the upside of the roller coaster and ride it out for a while.  The clarity I have when I am happy and the clarity I have when I am sad is overwhelming.

The Kids Don't Stand a Chance

I think Asheville is in the middle of the peak summer heat wave right now. I have slept with my backup fan blowing on my head the past two nights. Having no AC is still very satisfying in an OCD energy-conservation kind of way.

I bought a car! I will take pictures soon. It is a white 2003 Honda Civic Hybrid. Hybrid means I don't feel as guilty about buying a car as I would have if it were not a hybrid. Mainly, I am in love with it because

1. It's freaking cute and awesome
2. The turning radius turns me on (seriously, it beats the volvo my mom had)
3. It's the color I wanted
4. It has an electric engine to help the gas engine
5. it CUTS OFF COMPLETELY WHEN YOU STOP!!!!!!!!!!! SO AWESOME
6. MAIN REASON: it has awesome miles-per-gallon tools that tell you how many MPG you're using at any given time. It also can record the average MPG you get when you set the miles- like, when you track how many miles you go, it will also track your average MPG. (I'm currently in the process of seeing how accurate the MPG tools are by doing the math the old skool way so we'll see how that goes)
7. I didn't get it at a stupid car dealership. My advice to the sensitive cats in the world: don't shop at car dealerships. They are insane! There is no "deal" about it, just getting hosed by a-hole car dealers. I had major problems with the whole "haggling" process and getting disrespected because I am a young woman. Craigslist all the way.

Also, hilarious point about hybrid drivers, if you notice they drive really slow: it's because they want REALLY GOOD MPG. So addicting and fun to get 100MPG going down hills at 35 mph... not realizing/not caring you're holding up traffic.

So I am in the process of becoming a full fledged North Carolina resident. I passed the NC written driving test and didn't miss a single question! Some of those suckers are a little tricky, but hell if I was going to go back to the DMV another time. That's like taking a trip to hell and deciding to return for another round. Now I wait for my new license to come in the mail. Then I have to go get NC tags for my car, then I will be a real person. I have to say I am totally spoiled by the car already, public transportation down here is the suck for sure. I try to take the bus when I can to go to/from work but the new hasn't worn off of driving the cutest car around town.... so I need to get over that. Adventures to DC are in the future, as well as Raleigh/Chapel Hill, Weldon (NC) and Beaufort, SC. I already went home once and that was the worst shitshow of all time, won't be doing that again anytime soon. Sometimes home is so. hard.

In case the internet world is wondering: I broke up with my boyfriend. It has been awful. I feel like crap just about all the time, but I am slowly feeling better. I guess it's something we all have to go through. I have been trying to distract myself with the car, friends, etc but I can't keep busy enough. It was so much easier to be insanely busy in DC. Asheville just isn't happenin' as much. It makes me feel like such an island- really distant from everything I thought I knew. The past year I feel like I've grown up more than any other year probably since I was an infant. It's so uncomfortable- I've been really wanting to hit the "rewind" button on life a lot lately (it makes me think about my friend Pete's tatoo of the play, pause, stop, fast forward and rewind buttons like on a remote). I know I will get better- I am getting better. I just need to quit being alone and hiding and schedule the shit out of my life again.

I've been listening to Vampire Weekend and The Magnetic Fields non-stop.

self imposed homesickness

Listening to Fleet Foxes on a lonely and overcast Sunday in the city is just like shooting myself in the foot. I did buy a ticket to their show here in July, though who knows if I'll actually be here to go see it. Today is a move-back-to-Asheville type of day.

Staying in DC for memorial day was a mistake. Everyone is busy or gone.

I should go for a bike ride so that I don't dissolve completely in loneliness and regret. Ugh. Stay busy, stay busy.

I will go ride my bike down to Adam's Morgan I think, that will help me feel better.

Memories Made in the Coldest Winter

I realize I have semi-abandoned this blog. I tend to do that when I get too busy (true) or when I get really sad (also true). I think I will just pick up this blog from current life- if I tried to brief the interwebs about the past two months it would be too much. Instead, I will leave you with a sort of photoblog of my absence and I will just start writing from the here and now. yaaaaay.






This past weekend my buddy A came up from Raleigh to visit! It was perfect timing because I've been super down and sad about the weather, job issues, homesickness for my boyfriend / western NC, etc. Winter is way harder than I ever expected- I've always enjoyed winter a lot. When Spring didn't suddenly appear at the end of February I was really thrown off. I'm spoiled.


So A and I went to the Library of Congress with her boyfriend F (both of them are getting their degrees in Library Science). That was pretty cool- but not as cool as the BABY GORILLA we saw at the National Zoo (!!!!!!!!!!) We also saw sleeping otters. And a cute otter statue. And PANDAS. and RED PANDAS. PANDAS!!!


We spent a lot of time in Adam's Morgan- so of course we went to Amsterdam Falafel- the most awesome food EVER. You get a pita with falafels in it that they FRY TO ORDER and then you get to put all the toppings you want on it. Oh man, I could eat that every day. It's also cheap and they have really good fries.

We walked a lot over the weekend- it makes my feet tired but it makes my legs feel good. It was so warm over the weekend and for most of today- my mood has improved a lot. Feeling a breeze on my legs is enough to change my outlook on life, if only for a little while. The entire city smells different when it warms up, maybe it's the daffodils or maybe it's the fact that I can actually smell things and my nose isn't running constantly. I cry and whine about winter in DC, I know it's nothing that bad- but we did have 8 inches of snow a week ago and I didn't have any delays in work or anything. I think that validates my crying and whining at least a little bit.

Work has been strange lately. I'm not going to say much on this most public of all venues- but I feel it must be known on my blog that the real world is not "glamorous" at all. The only glamorous part is not having homework and getting a paycheck. Realizing this and accepting it can be very difficult, and can raise many more questions and decisions to be made. I am constantly searching for happiness and ways to fake my own happiness.

Here is my current list of fake happiness (temporary happiness that fools you into short term happiness):
exercising
reeses (easter egg reeses are especially good)
hair mousse
alcohol
sunshine
surfing petfinder.com
calculating airfares
google image searching sealions or groundhogs

I can go on. I am trying to get happy- re-starting this blog is a sign of that. Spring is sure to help out: new opportunities, lots of friends to see- there is always something to be done or someone to visit. I predict some great changes coming. I am joining a kickball league. Hibernation is over!

I can't stop sneezing; I am so depressed.

So, an update that is not me whining from my blackberry. Christmas and New Years were GREAT because I didn't have to work and there were great people to hang out with at home. My mom and I had our annual Christmas party (even though it was after Christmas this year) and it was surprisingly not as awkward as usual. I think because everyone is growing up it's just ok to be who we are and catch up, high school grudges and hangups aside.

I visited some family for Christmas. My grandmother gave me the world's smallest food processor and world's smallest rice cooker (!!!!) so maybe after I read how to use the things I will be eating something other than PB&J and stir-fry. It came to my attention while I was at home that many of my comrades who are now in the working world don't cook or bring their lunch. This idea has never crossed my mind, probably because I hate eating out a lot and I'm also too cheap. It made me realize how much I hate eating out. My mom reminded me that I even hated it when I was little. I like going out with friends and on weekends and stuff.

Anyways. After lots of fights with my mom (and her sudden flight to Birmingham, AL with her boyfriend?!), quality time at my boyfriend's house playing Wii, and perusing the after Christmas sales (see, Dolla Saver), I went to Asheville with my boyfriend. We went to the J Crew CLEARANCE CENTER which is part of the J CREW DISTRIBUTION CENTER FOR THE SOUTH EAST. When I was done throwing up all over myself out of excitement I picked out a pair of earmuffs that I'd been eyeing at the regular J Crew store that were $50 but at the special clearance store they were $10!!! I also got a wool dress for $35 for those cold ass days when I am tired of wearing pants. That place is seriously awesome. Even my bf got a sweater! Probably because I made him stay in there for 2 hours.

On New Years Eve I drank gin and tonics with friends and we rang in the new year on the top of an apartment building overlooking the city. It was really nice celebrating new years without a tv.














We saw a weird new years caterpillar thing (oh Asheville).

Afterwards we went to a bar (The Z Lounge) and danced and watched the hilarious people in there.

On New Years Day we cooked collards and pork chops and hoppin' john and we slothed around all day. It was glorious. The next day me and the boyfriend and I drove down Warren Wilson Road and I stocked up on almond butter from Amazing Savings (discount gourmet grocery store that is my life-force). We ate at Burgermeisters (awesome) and drove home. I really didn't want to leave.

After that I made a trip to the Clearance Goodwill, where you can buy Goodwill items by the pound ($1.00/pound). There, sparkling and new was a Bernina Bernette 50 sewing machine in perfect working condition for $25. I packed that sucker up and hauled it to DC in my carry-on bag. The machine I was planning on bringing back was one of those old Singers that is made of solid metal. They are awesome machines because they can sew through anything (concrete, leather, moonbeams) but they weight approx. 150 lbs. So finding a nice nice lighter machine was extremely good luck. It was my Christmas present from Goodwill. I'm planning on sewing ugly/cute stuffed animals, bags, wallets, ipod holders, etc. very soon. Ideas/things to copy are welcome.

New years in Asheville was great and terrible at the same time. I realized that I really really need to move back there. ASAP. Which is still at least 2 years down the line. I am honestly sick and miserable right now to be back in DC. I feel so dumb for thinking that I would be ok living without the Western NC mountains. I am concentrating on enjoying myself while I am in DC and making a career for myself so that when I move back I can do something other than being a waitress. I also have a cold right now (round II, cool) that is making me even more miserable. It's hard to return to work- no one tells you when you're in school that you are being trained to be a cog in a giant machine that there is no way out of. Well, there are many ways out, but not if you have college loans. I guess there are my two goals: 1. build my career 2. pay off college loans. New Years Resolution 2009: pave the road back to Asheville.

lametown

Job search blues, today for the first time in a long time.  Why is it so hard?  Why do I feel so bad?  It's like being in gym class and not getting picked for either team, all summer. 

So lame.  I feel like an extreme loser.  I'm running out of patience.

sad

I am just really sad. Sad, fed up, sick, nervous. Reality sure does hit hard.

I get cryptic when things are too much for the internet. It really is such a superficial place. It's becoming weirder and weirder how even though it is so superficial, it has become the communication medium for some really serious stuff. I don't know how to feel about that and my anthropology goggles are whirring at work trying to make sense of it. So sad.

death and rejection

I know it's been a while since I wrote. I had some serious internet paranoia about employers "finding me" on the internet so I worked for a couple days to try to keep my online presence down to a minimum. Let it be known, young bloggers, don't ever use your full name on ANYTHING unless you want it to be found by the pope, your grandma, your novio/novias mom, or the people that you want to HIRE YOU IN THE FUTURE. I have been so naive.

Yesterday I went to the funeral for my great-aunt in Walterboro, South Carolina. I felt really sad for my grandmother because she was so sad that her sister died. It must be such a terrible feeling to watch your family die and know that you're next and not far off. She's about to be 89, so I'm not sure if she even realizes these things or not (a little dementia can be a good thing). The service was at a Baptist church and was really bizarre, not exactly what I'm used to in term of religion. Like any event involving ritual or rites of passage, I had my anthropology goggles on. In this service, it was run clearly by men. Three male preachers or pastors or whatever they were led the pal bearers in a processional inside the church. The three head guys then ran the service, which involved no interaction from the guests (congregation)- except for that optional "amen" at the end of certain prayers. The only singing was done by one soloist man who was in the front, too. I wanna know where the women at? Just not my cup of tea. But- my great aunt's religion did help her a lot in her life and especially when she was sick in the hospital.

You really have to credit religion for serving its purpose sometimes. One thing about anthropology goggles and religion is that it can turn you into an atheist really fast- though I'm not. I still believe but I also understand what the function of religions ARE and how they can change over time to suit the spiritual needs of a culture (not much sacrifice going on in the US anymore, is there? There are reasons for this kind of cultural change).

So anyway. I didn't get one of the jobs that I really really wanted. When that happened it was the first time I have cried during this whole process. It's just so disappointing to be rejected and not know why- it really does make you feel like you're damaged goods or that there is something wrong with you or that you're doing something wrong with the process. Even worse, to not get an answer one way or another from the potential employer by the date they said they would get back to you. I practically spammed this lady to get an answer out of her- and let it be known that if an employer doesn't get back to you quickly / on time, chances are you didn't catch that bus to employment town. They will stay in close touch with those that they want and a lot of times just "forget" about the no-gos. It seems like employers just like to avoid that whole "I'm just not that into you" message so they just don't say anything at all. How hard is it to send an email or call a person and just say- hey, you're great but we're looking for something else. I am trying to stay positive. I got an encouraging phone message about another job- I'm on the "short list." The politics with this stuff are incredible.

So I am alive, happy internet. I'm still dealing with internet paranoia but I think I have it under control now.