Wind in my Sails

I am in Connecticut visiting my family.  My aunt has pretty bad breast cancer and she just got done with a really aggressive form of chemo.  She is really sick.  She doesn't have any hair.  I have never been around a cancer patient like this.  It makes me so afraid.

My cousins were here, though (they are my age) and it was great to be around the whole family.  It's so rare to have "everyone together" when you grow up, I always think about people as part of the unit they were with when I was a child.  I love it when it all comes back together.

My uncle recently bought a sailboat off of craigslist.  He doesn't know how to sail very well but we still went out twice this past weekend on the Thames river.  He taught me to sail and now I am totally in love with sailing.  There is magic in the power of wind blowing you across the water- trying to harness it just enough to go where you intend to go but recognizing that you really don't have any control at all.  That wind can die down just as fast as it can pick up.  It falls into my mantra that I've been thinking a lot about in the past few months: "Don't push the river, it flows."  Also, the energy conservation geek in me gets totally high off of the fact that the boat is powered on nothing but wind- way cool.  On one tack I caught the wind and the boat leaned 30 degrees!  (that is a lot)

One hand on the tiller and one hand on the jib line tacking like a motherfucking professional

I was supposed to catch the train back to NYC this afternoon but a huge thunderstorm knocked out the electricity to the Amtrak trains running between Boston and NYC.  I am secretly glad to stay, even though the cousins and their friends are gone now.  I really love how healing it can be to be in a "grownup" household.  

death and rejection

I know it's been a while since I wrote. I had some serious internet paranoia about employers "finding me" on the internet so I worked for a couple days to try to keep my online presence down to a minimum. Let it be known, young bloggers, don't ever use your full name on ANYTHING unless you want it to be found by the pope, your grandma, your novio/novias mom, or the people that you want to HIRE YOU IN THE FUTURE. I have been so naive.

Yesterday I went to the funeral for my great-aunt in Walterboro, South Carolina. I felt really sad for my grandmother because she was so sad that her sister died. It must be such a terrible feeling to watch your family die and know that you're next and not far off. She's about to be 89, so I'm not sure if she even realizes these things or not (a little dementia can be a good thing). The service was at a Baptist church and was really bizarre, not exactly what I'm used to in term of religion. Like any event involving ritual or rites of passage, I had my anthropology goggles on. In this service, it was run clearly by men. Three male preachers or pastors or whatever they were led the pal bearers in a processional inside the church. The three head guys then ran the service, which involved no interaction from the guests (congregation)- except for that optional "amen" at the end of certain prayers. The only singing was done by one soloist man who was in the front, too. I wanna know where the women at? Just not my cup of tea. But- my great aunt's religion did help her a lot in her life and especially when she was sick in the hospital.

You really have to credit religion for serving its purpose sometimes. One thing about anthropology goggles and religion is that it can turn you into an atheist really fast- though I'm not. I still believe but I also understand what the function of religions ARE and how they can change over time to suit the spiritual needs of a culture (not much sacrifice going on in the US anymore, is there? There are reasons for this kind of cultural change).

So anyway. I didn't get one of the jobs that I really really wanted. When that happened it was the first time I have cried during this whole process. It's just so disappointing to be rejected and not know why- it really does make you feel like you're damaged goods or that there is something wrong with you or that you're doing something wrong with the process. Even worse, to not get an answer one way or another from the potential employer by the date they said they would get back to you. I practically spammed this lady to get an answer out of her- and let it be known that if an employer doesn't get back to you quickly / on time, chances are you didn't catch that bus to employment town. They will stay in close touch with those that they want and a lot of times just "forget" about the no-gos. It seems like employers just like to avoid that whole "I'm just not that into you" message so they just don't say anything at all. How hard is it to send an email or call a person and just say- hey, you're great but we're looking for something else. I am trying to stay positive. I got an encouraging phone message about another job- I'm on the "short list." The politics with this stuff are incredible.

So I am alive, happy internet. I'm still dealing with internet paranoia but I think I have it under control now.

gross

So, my cousin's wife just had twins. I got the hideous pictures in my email today and it just boggles my mind that the gods that be would let people like those two reproduce... and then I realize that the gods DIDN'T want it to happen, that's why they had to do all that expensive in-vitro fertilization crap. ugh. If it honestly comes to that, why wouldn't you just adopt? There are so many wonderful children in the US and across the world that need parents. But not parents like my redneck cousin. That's for damn sure.

On the subject of babies... it is more and more glaring that many mothers of my friends had my friends when they were not very much older than I am right now. I'm 22. Most people get that party started at... now. I don't want anything to do with that. I'm terrified out of my mind about even getting an OK job until I go to grad school. I can't even commit to getting a hamster right now. I don't know why I even freak out about this stuff but then it's like... how can I NOT freak out about it. I know that shit isn't for me right now but having to look at it seriously in the face is terrifying. Even writing this makes me feel kind of sick.

I think I'm just way too bored. I need a job.

You should look at this (NSFW) it's hilarious.