I need the darkness, someone please cut the lights

I'm back in Asheville.  I'm pretty pleased to be back.  My living situation has caused some stress but I am moving at the end of the month so things will be changing soon.  It will be my first apartment all to myself.  I've been reading the blog Tiny-Ass Apartment as well as obsessing over Apartment Therapy since I put the deposit down.  I'll be purging a lot of my stuff soon to prepare.  The possibility of a dog is in the future once I recover from the financial stress of doctors bills (all well visits) housing deposits, travel, etc.

I had a pretty crazy experience while I was at home.  My mom and I went to the Verizon store to get new phones (time to sign a new contract).  I seriously hate going to the Verizon store.  I usually do look forward to getting a new phone (toy) and can deal with the store for that- but this time.... I think the combination of the weight of getting a new phone when my old one works pretty well (4+ years later!) and my mom trying to explain what she wanted to the commission-obsessed salesman when she doesn't really understand what exactly she wants... I don't know.  The store was packed with people musing over new phone gadgets and I just started feeling really really crazy.  I thought I was going to freak out, it must be what people who get claustrophobic feel like.  I just told mom we had to leave and I walked out.  She was good about it and we just left.  I've never gone nuts in that way before.  I think the bi-polar-ness I feel when I'm at home influenced that a lot.  I have moments of extreme vulnerability when I'm there.

I think I'm going through some kind of life-stage that is purely grounded in a holistic search to make me happy.  That includes not working a standard 40-hour a week job, learning to be comfortable in solitude (dealing with loneliness in healthy ways), and just saying yes to everything that has potential for excitement, even if there may be consequences later.  Being in the mountains makes me so happy.  It thrills me that I can drive for a while and sleep outside where I can see ALL THE STARS.

Since I work about 20 hours a week right now (all at night), I have a lot of time to play during the day.  I've been trying to fill my days as much as possible with outside activities and exercise.  Being outside and moving helps my brain so much.  I try to go on at least one adventure every day.

I have been listening pretty much solely to Lissie lately (burnout on She & Him is a sad reality).  Lissie's album is going to be huge, I promise.  In case you might question her complete rad-ness here is PROOF:


I babysat a lot last week.  4-year-old S is trip, hanging out with him is like hanging out with someone who is on drugs (typical 4-year-old).  He was drinking some kind of sparkling water drink he calls "fizzy water."   I said, "S, what does that fizzy water taste like?" and he said very slowly,
"it. tastes. like. your. blood."
"really? how do you know that?"
"I don't know"
"you said it tastes like my blood, what does that taste like?"
".......fizzy water"

I also would like to plug quite possibly the greatest blog I've read in years: Hyperbole and a Half.  You should read the greatest entry of all time which is called This is Why I'll Never be an Adult.  It explained my life to myself in a way that I had not ever realized.

I got a ticket to see Sufjan Stevens in Asheville when he comes in November.  I am hoping (borderline praying) that he will play some of his Christmas music when he is here.

Here are some pictures from recent adventures:

This is the jam:

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! But I think I'll miss this one this year.

I need to write a post while I'm feeling (mostly) awesome.

The theme for Christmas this year is:

CHRISTMAS CAN SUCK A DICK 2K9

All that means is that I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. Don't care! (this is a lie)

It snowed between 12 and 17 inches in Asheville and basically all my wildest dreams came true (not true) but it made me SO HAPPY (THANK YOU SANTA). I love that the city shut down and I got to roam the streets and pick up snow and eat it everywhere I went. Snowball fights with strangers, giant snowmen, lots of booze, awesome storm times.... xtreme fun. I was hopeful that the snow might cancel Christmas (prevent me from going home) but the snow is probably going to melt and make that a reality again. I have to go back to hoping to get swine flu. Working from home again tomorrow means more happy fun time. It is putting a damper on my running schedule but that is ok- there is plenty of time for that when everything goes back to normal.

I think in line with the tradition of 40 days of 40's that my friends would do during Lent in college, I may be soon celebrating the 12 days of Champagne Christmas (starting today). Life is so much better with snow and Champagne and NO EXAMS or school stress.

This weekend I drank Brandy from a bottle and had a snowball chaser. There is something about snow and liquor that just goes hand in hand.

Oh man, I am ok. I am just as awesome as I always was. Probably until I wake up tomorrow I JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. I have also decided that when I am home for the 3 days that are required of me I will either be drinking or on a runner's high. That is the goal, maybe for the rest of the month! It really is the perfect recipe for awesome. Just stay warm, be happy with what you've got, hope for the future. I have great friends.

throw me a party on a mountainside

I was on the south side of town so I made a quick stop in the J. Crew clearance center (the J. Crew distribution center for the South East is in Arden, NC) to see if they had any deals. They always do, I don't know why I always go there because I always end up buying something... but today was a great day because they had a bunch of their party dresses on sale (they hardly ever are on the sale rack, they are always $70, which is nothing considering they sell in the catalog for $200+ but too much for my party dress budget). I got this one, which orginially retailed for $275 in a great purple color for $7. I also got the one below in black for $7 (it also retailed for $275).

Now I just need some kickin' parties to wear them to. Or just wear them around town, this is Asheville, after all.

And speaking of Asheville, since the weather got cold today and it was clear and sunny and GORGEOUS... it feels like the dumbest idea in the world to want to move back to DC. Though, when I was in DC this weekend, it felt like the dumbest idea in the world to STAY IN ASHEVILLE. I just forgot how intoxicating the fall is here. I just need to have a life where I can live in two places. And wear awesome cocktail dresses.

guh the weather here... so awesome. I wore tights today but all I wanted to do was go backpacking.

No one really prepares you for how unreasonable the 20-something's mind is.

kids

Summer is halfway through, amazing! I really dislike summer, for the most part. South Carolina ruined it for me, I guess.

Asheville living is going really well. I went to DC for the 4th of July and to Beaufort SC last weekend for my grandma's 85th birthday. Both adventures went well.

I'm shopping to buy a car and it sucks. I really want the Honda Civic Hybrid but they are kind of hard to find. So I'm settling for just a regular Honda Civic. Trying to buy a car without a car to shop for cars is really hard. I've already had several bad encounters with dealership jackasses and I would like to refrain from doing that until the end of time. I can't believe how people will lie to you and put on such a performance and expect you to fall for it and give them big amounts of money. Please. Bitch, please.

So, sometimes I have daily themes, and yesterday had a really clear one: CHILDREN. A friend of a friend who I know distantly gave birth yesterday to a little girl. The mom is my age, married, other than that the same song and dance for the most part- I can't stop thinking about it though. It's the first person I've known that was my age to have a baby. I think it's so flabbergasting to me because it's a really real wakeup call to the fact that I am a GROWNUP. I mean, not really, but you know. That could be me. I'm not ready for that type of grownup activity yet- but god. It is so magic and scary and beautiful. I wonder if I'll ever be ready for that.

To cap off all those thoughts I babysat last night for the first time in a long time- 2 boys, 3 years old and 6 years old. I guess it's my selfish 20's narcissism but how on earth do people do that?! Parenting is so hard- it must be rewarding enough, I understand the romantic aspects of having a family but the day-to-day is really hard. I'm sure all these questions and observations are just signs that I am absolutely not ready for any of this, though I know I could do it if I really had to.

When I ride the bus to work in the morning I've been recognizing faces that are on the ride. There is one family, usually just the mom and the two little kids (boy and girl, both under 5, the mom is my age). The kids are always chirping and whirring and eating some part of their breakfast (one morning it was a bag of potato chips!) while their mom tries to keep them from being too loud. This morning the dad was there too and they were arguing all the way to the daycare stop. How do any of us survive our families? How does anyone make it out halfway decent? I know some families are much easier to grow up with than others- even still, everyone has their problems. You must be really idealistic and in love to even consider having a family with anyone- I hope I am that way someday.

I'll just end this post with this

Coming Home

A lot has been going on. I moved back to Asheville (very stressful) but I am really happy about it. My boyfriend helped me a lot which was really nice. After all the mean packing got done we went to Great Falls, VA to check out the crazy waterfalls on the Potomac (see picture).

My new job is really exciting and exactly what I should have been doing the whole time. Happy non-profit flexible job! My office is in the upstairs of a cute house across the street from a great coffee shop. There are two types of lavender next to the sidewalk to the porch as well as a hydrangea. Those are basically my two favorite plants/flowers. The lavender is blooming right now so you can smell it when you walk by. From the window of my desk I can see the blue ridge mountains. It has been my fantasy in life to live in a room where you can see those mountains. My senior year of college I could kind of see a ridge line- so I guess that counts, but I finally have the real deal with this office. Unbelievable. I miss talkin' trash and recycling but energy conservation is all related.

My new apartment is super cute and really cheap. I live downtown and can walk to everything I need. I am around the corner from Greenlife Grocery for instant food gratification and I just discovered today that the closest ATM to me is from a credit union and DOESN'T CHARGE ME A FEE TO USE IT?!?! Magic happens in Asheville. Anyways, my room is pretty small but that is ok with me, it is basically only for sleeping and dressing and storing. It is a 3 bedroom apartment in a big house that has been separated into apartments. I am still searching for a bed (hard to do without a car) so I have a palate on the floor which is fine for now. The biggest improvement overall I think are all the windows in my life now. There are windows in my office (my old office didn't have windows, it was awful), there are WINDOWS IN MY ROOM that look over a wooded lot. Since the room is on the second floor of the house it feels like I am in a tree house!! Lots of trees. I can hear birds, even identify some of them! There is a church close by that rings bells on the hour. At 12:00, 5:00 and I think 6:00 it plays crazy bell songs for like 15 minutes. I'm in love. It's exactly what I wanted / needed.

New roommate K is totally awesome, as well. She and I went to college together and it is really such a good situation. She has a cat, Queen, that lives with us too. I am allergic to cats, only if I pet them and love them like I want to though. So we live an awkward existence- I talk to Queen a lot but if she gets too close I have to shoo her away. I hate doing that but so it goes. I call her the following names:
Queen
Queenie
Queen Bean
McQueen
Little White Cat
Little Cat
Bad Cat

I thought for a while that Eloise (from one of my favorite children's books of all time) had a pet dog named Queenie but after some research it turns out her pug is named Weenie. Queen is 15 years old! She acts younger than that, though. She takes a long time to sit down. She is very small and quiet. She tries to go out of the door of the apartment anytime you open it, though when she does actually get out she is too scared to go down the stairs to properly escape. Our relationship is complicated and sad because I do love her but I can't pet her, so she is still kind of mystified by me. She is a very friendly cat.

Since moving back I have been riding my bike to and from work every day. The first few days were kind of hard- I had to reacquaint myself to the hills around here. Now I am pretty comfortable with them- I think a lot of it is just getting into routine. I am in the process of getting a car, sadly, because the program I'm doing requires it. I'm telling myself it won't be so bad because I can drive home for the weekend if I want, or drive to Pisgah to go hiking, go to DC, go to my favorite grocery store on the planet Amazing Savings (they don't have a website! Figures...) or go to anywhere I want.

This morning, my first real Saturday since I've been back, I got up extra early to check out a yard sale on my street. I was hoping for a bed- they did have a futon, which I considered, but I really don't like sleeping on futons. Instead I got a MSR Whisperlite Internationale Backpacking Stove, something I have wanted SPECIFICALLY for years- they were selling it for $20! Ha! This stove rules because:
#1 It's a Whisperlite, the stove I am used to using since my very first backpacking trip
#2 It's SOOOO LIGHT
#3 It's constructed really simply so even an engineering dummy like me can take the thing apart and fix it if it's screwy
#4 The internationale version of the Whisperlite can run off of lots of different kinds of fuels, not just white gas. This sucker can even run on JET FUEL if you happen to have it when your plane crashes and you have extra jet fuel. EXTRA SPECIAL!!!!

I also got a Minolta Dynax 5 SLR film camera for $25. I just need to get some batteries! What a steal. All my SLR's die (I probably have a graveyard of at least 4 or 5 in my room in my mom's house) so when I see a cheap one I like to snatch it up and use it until it dies, too. It's cheaper than getting the old ones fixed, that's for damn sure. So hopefully some happy really nice pictures soon. This camera even came with the instruction book and still had the original receipt! Crazy! Maybe this one won't die. I can hope.

I also made french toast for breakfast, something I haven't done in a long time. I should cook things that aren't stir-fry more often. haha. NAAAHHHH

Being back in Asheville has felt like coming home. I am really pleased with everything so far.

Everything needs to fix itself

I am feeling very frustrated and lame right now. I really hate not being busy (socially). There are a lot of complex things going on but as sad as they all are it boils down to the fact that I really can't wait to get out of here. There are a lot of things that I want to stay in DC for but in every situation there is something to ruin it. For example: I love my roommate E. We are great roommates. But I HATE LIVING IN A BASEMENT. I love trash, recycling, money, and my coworkers at my job. I HATE MY BOSS. I HATE MY TASKS AT WORK. WORK IS MISERABLE. These examples go on and on. So I may as well just leave all this shit to fix itself and possibly return in the future. I am sad and excited at the same time.

Asheville here I come! I'm leaving in 3 or 4 days.

Come down from the mountain, you have been gone too long

So, big news! I went down to Asheville last Thursday after work
("J, I'm off of work, what is the plan?" "E, do you want to leave now?" "YES" "Lets go.")

I had a job interview in Asheville for a position with the Western North Carolina Green Building Council. It was on Friday in a happy upstairs room of a house/office in West Asheville. I felt so good about it and was already dreading the feeling of being let down after being so excited about leaving my current job (which has progressively gotten worse and worse, things I have not revealed in this blog).

I returned my bff R's car to her (she was still at work) and since I didn't have anything to do but wait I offered to help her since her job was swamped that day. Her bosses immediately swooped in to meet me (very sweet) and when I told them I had just returned from a job interview they scolded R for not telling them I was looking for a job (!?) and ushered me into a hilarious conference room- shouting "get the cookies! bring the cookies!" the whole time. So I sat and ate a cookie while we had a pseudo-job interview at this law firm?!! It was really funny and so kind at the same time. I really love small town type things. I swear upon everything I know, I think that people in Western NC are NICER than most. I don't know what it is. Maybe I am nicer when I am there, too. So I had two job interviews back to back, one official and one not (but kinda?). So funny. At the end one of the ladies said, "We're ready when you are!"

I changed out of my interview suit and met up with my boyfriend for a weekend of hiking and general Western NC therapy in Pisgah National Forest. It was wonderful to smell all the mountain smells and listen to wind. Wind is really loud when you're high up in the mountains. We hiked up Black Balsam and over that ridge and back down to Flat Laurel Creek (please talk to me if you know what area I'm talking about, it's one of my favorite places of all time). We didn't actually go backpacking because we really didn't have time to. It was still so nice to relax and stare at mountains and rivers and nothing without any obligations for a while. The mountains help me to clear my head better than anything else. I can see things for what they are so much better after I consult the Blue Ridge.

So Sunday morning came and my blissful mountain time had to end. The drive back to DC was grueling as usual, though I had a lot to think about. By the time we got to Fredericksburg it was time for a snack so J and I cruised the chip isle of some gas station debating whether or not almonds were a better snack than Teddy Grahams (I hate Teddy Grahms). I got a call from an unknown number - 9:30PM on a Sunday night? It was THE GUY FROM THE GREEN BUILDING COUNCIL. I GOT THE JOB. 9:30PM ON A SUNDAY NIGHT. I am just now coming down from the cloud I was elevated to on the chip isle. Holy hell, a ticket back to Asheville doing meaningful work for people WHO WILL APPRECIATE IT. Yes yes, a thousand times yes!

Today was filled with resigning from my current job (!!! hello grownup!) and the beginning of lots of mental lists. I am moving back down to Asheville in less than 3 weeks. Dreams come true! I can't stop listening to Fleet Foxes. I am feeling good. Goodbyes are hard but I am getting better at them every time.

Gosh, I am so pleased. It makes so much more sense for me to live in Asheville. I am confidant.




Darling, I can barely remember you beside me
You should come back home, back on your own now

The Merry Blues

I returned to Asheville last weekend to celebrate graduation at Warren Wilson with friends- it turned out to be a huge 1-year-out-of-college reunion for a lot of folks. I was so ecstatically happy for a couple days- it feels so good to be manically happy after looking forward to something for so long. Seeing my boyfriend was also so good- I miss him every day. I have a lot of guilt for moving away, though I know that if I had stayed down there until he finished school I would have resented myself/him. I really had too much fun in Asheville, I knew it would happen. Right when I feel good about living in DC and charting a new course I go back and screw it all up with those intoxicating mountains, bearded men, and bluegrass. I almost wish Asheville were so far away that I really couldn't return, just so that temptation wouldn't be there and I could be left to forge a new existence without being foiled in one visit.

I am filled with a constant dilemma. Every day, I think about whether I should keep on with my new life in DC or if I should move back to Asheville. There are such wonderful advantages to both places. It was a very easy decision before I made good friends in DC- just wait out my lease here and then go back. Now I have people that make me happy here- I love the independence I have in the city- no car, easy access to whatever I want, always fun things going on and places to explore. It seems like I meet new people all the time who are really smart and successful. My old friends are constantly visiting me here- it is rare that I am alone. At the same time, the city can be grating on me. It's hard to get out of the concrete when you really want to- I feel awkward about listening to My Morning Jacket and Fleet Foxes, it is honestly inappropriate to listen to that stuff in a city. I miss the watchful mountains of Western NC and the familiar faces and places there. I miss being close to my mom, and boyfriend, too. I know I would be happy in both places- that is the biggest problem. Which would make me happiest? I was always under the impression that after college life is glamorous and easy, you set yourself up and just go. It is like that sometimes- but there are always problems. It would be so much easier to not get so attached to people and places. At least I got out of South Carolina and have no desire to return.

I suppose the answer is just to continue the wait for my lease to go up- see how the summer goes. My job is miserable, so that does have a large influence. Today, I lean toward staying in DC. Tomorrow, we'll see. The answer is always "wait and see what happens" for EVERYTHING.

I also am aware of what I have termed "Asheville Disease" - which is a disease that affects those who have visited or lived in Asheville and fell in love with it but can't find a way to return. Those of us who live every day with the pull to go back but no opportunity for a decent job there or some other obstacle that keeps us where we are. Asheville Disease is made worse by going back, of course. There is another saying about Warren Wilson graduates- there are two types. The ones that stay in Asheville and can't find a job and the ones that leave Asheville, have a job, but are just trying to go back. This is so true it is pathetic. It's nice to not be alone in my illness, though.

I am also finally aware of the fact that choosing Warren Wilson College was the best possible decision I could have made about where to go to school. It took this long to realize it, but a big thank you to 18-year-old Elizabeth is in order. Seriously, I went to the perfect school for me. I have no regrets about it and I don't think I would have been happier anywhere else. There were times when I thought about transferring- but I found the people that I needed to learn and to grow so it worked out. It makes paying the loans not so terrible.

I am also aware now that there are way more people reading this blog than I thought. I'll try to update it more. I know I always say that.

I can't stop sneezing; I am so depressed.

So, an update that is not me whining from my blackberry. Christmas and New Years were GREAT because I didn't have to work and there were great people to hang out with at home. My mom and I had our annual Christmas party (even though it was after Christmas this year) and it was surprisingly not as awkward as usual. I think because everyone is growing up it's just ok to be who we are and catch up, high school grudges and hangups aside.

I visited some family for Christmas. My grandmother gave me the world's smallest food processor and world's smallest rice cooker (!!!!) so maybe after I read how to use the things I will be eating something other than PB&J and stir-fry. It came to my attention while I was at home that many of my comrades who are now in the working world don't cook or bring their lunch. This idea has never crossed my mind, probably because I hate eating out a lot and I'm also too cheap. It made me realize how much I hate eating out. My mom reminded me that I even hated it when I was little. I like going out with friends and on weekends and stuff.

Anyways. After lots of fights with my mom (and her sudden flight to Birmingham, AL with her boyfriend?!), quality time at my boyfriend's house playing Wii, and perusing the after Christmas sales (see, Dolla Saver), I went to Asheville with my boyfriend. We went to the J Crew CLEARANCE CENTER which is part of the J CREW DISTRIBUTION CENTER FOR THE SOUTH EAST. When I was done throwing up all over myself out of excitement I picked out a pair of earmuffs that I'd been eyeing at the regular J Crew store that were $50 but at the special clearance store they were $10!!! I also got a wool dress for $35 for those cold ass days when I am tired of wearing pants. That place is seriously awesome. Even my bf got a sweater! Probably because I made him stay in there for 2 hours.

On New Years Eve I drank gin and tonics with friends and we rang in the new year on the top of an apartment building overlooking the city. It was really nice celebrating new years without a tv.














We saw a weird new years caterpillar thing (oh Asheville).

Afterwards we went to a bar (The Z Lounge) and danced and watched the hilarious people in there.

On New Years Day we cooked collards and pork chops and hoppin' john and we slothed around all day. It was glorious. The next day me and the boyfriend and I drove down Warren Wilson Road and I stocked up on almond butter from Amazing Savings (discount gourmet grocery store that is my life-force). We ate at Burgermeisters (awesome) and drove home. I really didn't want to leave.

After that I made a trip to the Clearance Goodwill, where you can buy Goodwill items by the pound ($1.00/pound). There, sparkling and new was a Bernina Bernette 50 sewing machine in perfect working condition for $25. I packed that sucker up and hauled it to DC in my carry-on bag. The machine I was planning on bringing back was one of those old Singers that is made of solid metal. They are awesome machines because they can sew through anything (concrete, leather, moonbeams) but they weight approx. 150 lbs. So finding a nice nice lighter machine was extremely good luck. It was my Christmas present from Goodwill. I'm planning on sewing ugly/cute stuffed animals, bags, wallets, ipod holders, etc. very soon. Ideas/things to copy are welcome.

New years in Asheville was great and terrible at the same time. I realized that I really really need to move back there. ASAP. Which is still at least 2 years down the line. I am honestly sick and miserable right now to be back in DC. I feel so dumb for thinking that I would be ok living without the Western NC mountains. I am concentrating on enjoying myself while I am in DC and making a career for myself so that when I move back I can do something other than being a waitress. I also have a cold right now (round II, cool) that is making me even more miserable. It's hard to return to work- no one tells you when you're in school that you are being trained to be a cog in a giant machine that there is no way out of. Well, there are many ways out, but not if you have college loans. I guess there are my two goals: 1. build my career 2. pay off college loans. New Years Resolution 2009: pave the road back to Asheville.