negative limerick

my heart is heavy
I am filled with DREAD
if I see that fat man Santa
I will shoot him in the head

would rather celebrate alone
than surrounded by the past
just want to feel better
I hope Christmas goes by fast

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! But I think I'll miss this one this year.

I need to write a post while I'm feeling (mostly) awesome.

The theme for Christmas this year is:

CHRISTMAS CAN SUCK A DICK 2K9

All that means is that I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. Don't care! (this is a lie)

It snowed between 12 and 17 inches in Asheville and basically all my wildest dreams came true (not true) but it made me SO HAPPY (THANK YOU SANTA). I love that the city shut down and I got to roam the streets and pick up snow and eat it everywhere I went. Snowball fights with strangers, giant snowmen, lots of booze, awesome storm times.... xtreme fun. I was hopeful that the snow might cancel Christmas (prevent me from going home) but the snow is probably going to melt and make that a reality again. I have to go back to hoping to get swine flu. Working from home again tomorrow means more happy fun time. It is putting a damper on my running schedule but that is ok- there is plenty of time for that when everything goes back to normal.

I think in line with the tradition of 40 days of 40's that my friends would do during Lent in college, I may be soon celebrating the 12 days of Champagne Christmas (starting today). Life is so much better with snow and Champagne and NO EXAMS or school stress.

This weekend I drank Brandy from a bottle and had a snowball chaser. There is something about snow and liquor that just goes hand in hand.

Oh man, I am ok. I am just as awesome as I always was. Probably until I wake up tomorrow I JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. I have also decided that when I am home for the 3 days that are required of me I will either be drinking or on a runner's high. That is the goal, maybe for the rest of the month! It really is the perfect recipe for awesome. Just stay warm, be happy with what you've got, hope for the future. I have great friends.

desire

Today I went to an animal shelter and found two of the most wonderful dogs. They were both poodle terrier mix type dogs just like my old dog Sam was. (This is a picture of Samantha)

I would have taken them home on the spot if it weren't for several important factors:

1. I can't have 2 dogs (they can't be separated)
2. I haven't moved yet
3. both of the dogs are 8 years old. I probably won't have enough expendable income for a geriatric dog for another few years
4. their names were terrible


wait, why can't I have those dogs?

I can't wait to get a dog. We will save each other. I have been wanting one since I was in college.

Dear Santa,
Elizabeth here. You read my blog, I'm sure. I've been kind of crazy this year. I have done some things I've regretted but never for the wrong reasons. I think I've done the best I could have this year. If I'm on the nice list, here is what I want:

a dog
some dog toys
a good dose of hope
some sanity
a big snow that shuts down everything for a couple days
lots of things that are unreasonable and can't be put on the blog (but you know what they are, because you read minds like Jesus and you're everywhere like a panopticon)

make it happen, Santa. I know how to make vegan cookies.

nothing is right

I wish food didn't make me feel so sick every. time. I. eat.

I really need to get real with the vegan thing, when I stick to it I don't feel nearly as bad.

Santa, get behind me!

tonight I got my craft on and it was so therapeutic. Making lino prints is soothing and not complicated. I need to be doing that way more often. It's such a beautiful process to think up an image and draw it and carve it and eventually paint it and print it and see if the print is what your image was in your head. My artistic endeavors very rarely turn out like they are in my head except with lino prints. I want to create an entire collection of prints and make stationary and sell it. If I'm going to be starving all the time I may as well be an artist too.

I was vegan all day today. Yesterday was foiled by honey. I think I'm going to be somewhat of a lazy vegan- if I can try to hold up through most of Christmas it will be awesome. I am definitely going to eat the candy in my stocking and whatever non-meaty food my mom cooks...

Tomorrow I am going to run a new loop at lunch. I'm really excited about it. I want to sign up for a 10K that is at the end of January but I'm not sure if I can do very well in it since it's so close. Thus far I've just been running for mental health reasons but I need something else to motivate me. I really would like to run a 10K- I know I can do it but I want to do it and be proud of it.

My room has become a case of complete squalor. My level of organization almost always reflects my mental state. I am happy to report that I am moving at the end of the month to a house a couple blocks from where I currently live... so if all else fails I will have to clean up to pack.

WHAT THE CUSS

the world was made good by the following:

Fantastic Mr. Fox
Fantastic Mr. Fox soundtrack
Free showing of Elf at the Brew and View
awesome luck at the J. Crew sample sale
Christmas Jam beer at the Brew and View
mom visit
VEGAN DUMPLINGS
GREG
Megan
Tippy
hot toddies
the library
FUTURE EXCITING EVENTS THAT COST A LOT OF MONEY BUT ARE FULL OF LOVE AND ADVENTURE

FEELING REALLY GOOD

evil urges

Oh, how Stuff White People Like speaks to me. I used a giftcard, does that make it ok?

When I feel really crazy I think in ALL CAPS. That's why the last two posts were so LOUD.

I just made my Corn Thyme soup but I made it VEGAN because today is a 100% vegan day. So far. I really need to lay off the cayenne.

I am considering further isolating myself from the PLANET by taking a Spanish II night class on Monday nights (my only night off other than Friday and Saturday). It's really cheap and I really would like to get better at Spanish. I think that now that I'm not actually in school it might be fun- I would have time to care and not be caught up in full time student insanity. Not sure if I should give up one of 3 nights off, though. The course ends in March.

I've been running along the French Broad River every day at lunch. I really like to see how big it gets after it rains. Sometimes it looks like a big, soft, pillow that you could jump on. I get these weird urges to jump on it and see if it would work even though I know it wouldn't. I also get urges like that when walking across tall bridges (jump off), hiking in cliff-type situations or steep areas (jump off, hurl myself down a mountain), etc. It's not suicidal, even in the happiest of times I feel like that.

The other day I thought I saw a raccoon chilling near the river but it turned out to be some geese.

MESSES OF RADIANT HEAT

TODAY I WAS A VEGAN ALL DAY

I THINK THAT ALL THE SHIT IN MY ROOM THAT IS ALL OVER THE FLOOR ABSORBS HEAT WHILE I WORK AT NIGHT AND THEN GIVES OFF RADIANT HEAT THROUGH THE NIGHT AFTER I CUT THE HEAT OFF. THAT IS MY EXCUSE FOR WHY I HAVE NOT CLEANED MY ROOM / PUT AWAY CLOTHES IN OVER A MONTH.

I FEEL LIKE I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO CHRISTMAS OR TO SOME KIND OF 'BREAK' BUT THERE ISN'T ONE. I AM ONLY GOING TO GO HOME FOR 3 DAYS. DAMN STRAIGHT.

TODAY I DOWNLOADED THE ROSEBUDS ALBUM BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I LIKE IT YET. I TRIED TO DOWNLOAD THE GENERATIONALS BUT CAN'T FIND THE FULL ALBUM ANYWHERE.

EVERYTHING WILL BE WORTH IT. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE GREAT. I AM GOING TO BE OK. I AM GOING TO BE OK. I AM GOING TO BE OK. I AM GOING TO BE OK.

NOT VEGAN

I AM SUCH A TERRIBLE VEGAN. GOAT CHEESE AND JELLO SHOTS MADE THIS DAY NOT VEGAN. THE JELLO SHOTS EVEN HAD WHIPPED CREAM. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE VEGAN WITH THAT?!!

I HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN A VEGAN FOR 0 DAYS. I WENT VEGAN A WEEK AGO. MAN I SUCK.

HERE WE GO

HERE IS WHAT I DID TODAY

I RAN 3 MILES
I ATE SOME SOUP
I SAW GREG AND CHILLI
I WORE MY NEW BLACK TIGHTS
I LISTENED TO GRAM PARSONS
I WORKED A LOT

This is what I did when I wasn't being a super baby all weekend. BFF Carmen brings the sanity and the hope.

that was the last time I will post some cryptic emo bullshit on the internet. Paper journal is being resurrected. sorry to everyone who read.
cheers.

Poopsgiving

Sometimes the comfort of being at home is the same thing that makes it so intolerable. This entire town, the paths I take to people's houses, the smells in my mother's house, street signs, everything is dripping with memories and associations that I just would rather wipe out than be reminded of.

I guess I'm in an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind kind of mood but honestly- I've felt this way about this town for years. This trip is just magnified because of recent developments and the fact that after you graduate from college you grow up like 20X.

Debbie downer, huh?

Here are things I am thankful for:

Conan on at 12:00!! TV is magic.
haircuts
Peewee Herman on a Roomba! (Conan)
my mom's new appreciation for alcohol
my mom being happy
living in the mountains
really good friends (even though they are everywhere I'm not, with a couple exceptions)
being loved even though I am awful
not being allergic to any foods
not being sick
the potential for getting a dog
health, life, food, shelter, privledge, opportunity, the future

all over the place

On Friday when I was driving back from a meeting when the traffic on the highway backed up on the bridge that goes over the French Broad river. I figured it was a wreck and slowed down with all the other cars around me. When I got to where the police car was parked in the middle of the bridge with it's lights flashing I saw beyond it a huge dog, a husky, or a wolfdog, disemboweled and dead lying in the road. It's blood had colored a good portion of the bridge and was still being painted across with all the tires that drove by. It's intestines were strewn around like streamers at a party.

Here is a recipe that I make a lot. I call it "Corn Thyme Soup" but this incarnation of it tastes more like some kind of a pepper soup.

so you need:

1 can of corn

1 can of creamed corn

2 red bell peppers

1 green bell pepper

1 or 2 onions, depending on how much you like

a little butter and flour to make a rue

vegetable broth or chicken broth (one or two cans, or get the box and use about half)

about a cup of milk? maybe more

fresh thyme

cayenne, chili powder, white pepper (only one is necessary, you don't have to have all of them)

bacon (optional)

make a rue the way you know how to with the flour and the butter. If you cook this with the bacon you don't really need the rue, just cook the bacon instead and that is the soup base thing. cut up the onions and throw them in first to saute. Cut up the thyme and put that in too. I like a lot, to the point where you eat a leaf of it in every spoon full. Chopping the thyme makes its flavor come out more but you end up eating the "sticks" that the leaves are on. You can also just strip each "branch" of the leaves and throw the leaves in.

I let that saute while I cut up the peppers and throw those in, too. I like to cook this mix until everything isn't too too crunchy like it's raw, I guess just getting it to all mix flavors. Also, you can spice it with the chili powder, cayenne, and white pepper now if you want. I just spice it to taste how I like it but BE CAREFUL because all the spices sink to the bottom of the soup- so if you spice it and it doesn't seem to be getting spicy, all of it is prob on the bottom. Learned the hard way with that.

So... then you open up the can of corn, drain it, add that to the mix. Add the creamed corn too. Stir that up for a little. Then add the broth- I just add it until it's soupy and then add the milk on top of that. It just depends on how soupy or chunky you want it. The soup itself gets thicker over time, the entire soup is def. better a couple days after you make it.

After I add all the liquid I let it get hot again (on medium or low) and then cut it off. If you leave it on there too hot for too long the veggies just get boiled and are gross. I also taste it to see if it needs salt, ground pepper, more cayenne or anything like that. Sometimes if the broth is low-sodium or something I add soy sauce instead of salt. I don't think it really matters. I also put hot sauce in it if I want it to be hotter.

I eat this all the time.

I am a vegetarian again, I think when my life starts spinning out of control I like to be able to restrict things- food is an easy target. Since I am getting a haircut tomorrow my Zooey Deschanel obsession has been kind of bad today. I learned she is a vegan because she is allergic to most dairy. Maybe for new years I will be a vegan and see how that goes. I can't deal with that over the holidays. I want to be Zooey.

I pulled out my banjo and played some Christmas carols tonight, that made me feel good. I also now have a tumblr account: http://elizzlebizzle.tumblr.com

Making playlists is really therapeutic for me. I can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving and see old friends. I hope they want to see me too.

broken heart remix

"today my eyes are in a state of either watering up and about to cry or recovering from watering up. it was one or the other, all day.

I just want to hide, or run, or unzip myself out of this life and into someone elses, or just hit rewind for a couple years. I feel so bad. I hope the bear that has been patrolling the intersection of Broadway and Merrimon that I heard in my backyard last week comes and eats me in my sleep tonight.

I am trying to quit the internet for a while but the alternatives for right now include beer, sleeping, some books I'm not excited about, and an entire world that I'm not interested in. what am I doing."

I wrote this on July 20 but it all comes back. I hope the bear is still around. I am so sad.

I hate it when I feel so sick that I think I'm going to throw up but I can't seem to do it. I don't have the courage to stick my fingers down my throat, either. I don't even know if it would make me feel better.

Probably not.

map

here's the link to that: www.xkcd.com/256

Is it weird that I just want to print this out and highlight all the things I use?

crash

It was like the shelf had to throw all the dishes at me to remind me that I'm human.

throw me a party on a mountainside

I was on the south side of town so I made a quick stop in the J. Crew clearance center (the J. Crew distribution center for the South East is in Arden, NC) to see if they had any deals. They always do, I don't know why I always go there because I always end up buying something... but today was a great day because they had a bunch of their party dresses on sale (they hardly ever are on the sale rack, they are always $70, which is nothing considering they sell in the catalog for $200+ but too much for my party dress budget). I got this one, which orginially retailed for $275 in a great purple color for $7. I also got the one below in black for $7 (it also retailed for $275).

Now I just need some kickin' parties to wear them to. Or just wear them around town, this is Asheville, after all.

And speaking of Asheville, since the weather got cold today and it was clear and sunny and GORGEOUS... it feels like the dumbest idea in the world to want to move back to DC. Though, when I was in DC this weekend, it felt like the dumbest idea in the world to STAY IN ASHEVILLE. I just forgot how intoxicating the fall is here. I just need to have a life where I can live in two places. And wear awesome cocktail dresses.

guh the weather here... so awesome. I wore tights today but all I wanted to do was go backpacking.

No one really prepares you for how unreasonable the 20-something's mind is.

movies and other boring things

I finally went and got a Buncombe County library card on Saturday and was so pleased to be reminded of their nice DVD section, all of which are free to rent for 7 days! So I picked out Pierrot Le Fou, a French movie from 1965. It is kind of hard to follow, but the beautiful scenes and 60's style kept my attention. I took that screen capture because the subtitles were just as amusing as the scene (!) I'd recommend if you are philosophical by nature or just like good scenes. In the movies, women's bangs never get greasy. My bangs are usually greasy by about 4:00PM.

I also recently saw 500 Days of Summer and have been listening to the soundtrack ever since. A+, even if I've already worn out many of the songs years ago. I have a serious girlcrush on Zooey Deschanel- the 3rd Rock from the Sun guy can forget it. I have serious aspirations/tendencies to be a cross between the character of Summer in 500 Days of Summer and Amelie in Amelie (Audrey Tautou). But seriously, is Zooey Deschanel human? I think she is an angel. (the movie was ok, major chick flick).

I also recently saw Ponyo and that was another trippy Anime adventure courtesy of Hayao Miyazaki. I have to say I still prefer Spirited Away, even if Tina Fey does a voiceover in the US version of Ponyo. Still, some pretty awesome animation that isn't the stupid 3D crap that is pretty much all that exists anymore.

My computer started acting wonky around the beginning of August and I assumed it was a virus. My roommate Kim's boyfriend was so nice and looked at it for me and figured out that the HARD DRIVE WAS CRASHING... wtf Dell?!! But since it is under a year old Dell sent a new hard drive for free. I'm back up and running and soon I'll have all my old data back. I did consider buying a Macbook for about 3 days, though. So yeah, just another person to tell you that Dell sucks.

It's been pretty cool at night here for the past few days. I finally got a bed (!) and am not sleeping on the floor anymore. That means that it's way harder to get up in the morning and that laying about all weekend is an option again. I am so thankful, though the floor wasn't so bad.

I always have big ideas to make this blog a hub of excitement but all I can seem to do with it is make it too personal and not update it enough.

The Kids Don't Stand a Chance

I think Asheville is in the middle of the peak summer heat wave right now. I have slept with my backup fan blowing on my head the past two nights. Having no AC is still very satisfying in an OCD energy-conservation kind of way.

I bought a car! I will take pictures soon. It is a white 2003 Honda Civic Hybrid. Hybrid means I don't feel as guilty about buying a car as I would have if it were not a hybrid. Mainly, I am in love with it because

1. It's freaking cute and awesome
2. The turning radius turns me on (seriously, it beats the volvo my mom had)
3. It's the color I wanted
4. It has an electric engine to help the gas engine
5. it CUTS OFF COMPLETELY WHEN YOU STOP!!!!!!!!!!! SO AWESOME
6. MAIN REASON: it has awesome miles-per-gallon tools that tell you how many MPG you're using at any given time. It also can record the average MPG you get when you set the miles- like, when you track how many miles you go, it will also track your average MPG. (I'm currently in the process of seeing how accurate the MPG tools are by doing the math the old skool way so we'll see how that goes)
7. I didn't get it at a stupid car dealership. My advice to the sensitive cats in the world: don't shop at car dealerships. They are insane! There is no "deal" about it, just getting hosed by a-hole car dealers. I had major problems with the whole "haggling" process and getting disrespected because I am a young woman. Craigslist all the way.

Also, hilarious point about hybrid drivers, if you notice they drive really slow: it's because they want REALLY GOOD MPG. So addicting and fun to get 100MPG going down hills at 35 mph... not realizing/not caring you're holding up traffic.

So I am in the process of becoming a full fledged North Carolina resident. I passed the NC written driving test and didn't miss a single question! Some of those suckers are a little tricky, but hell if I was going to go back to the DMV another time. That's like taking a trip to hell and deciding to return for another round. Now I wait for my new license to come in the mail. Then I have to go get NC tags for my car, then I will be a real person. I have to say I am totally spoiled by the car already, public transportation down here is the suck for sure. I try to take the bus when I can to go to/from work but the new hasn't worn off of driving the cutest car around town.... so I need to get over that. Adventures to DC are in the future, as well as Raleigh/Chapel Hill, Weldon (NC) and Beaufort, SC. I already went home once and that was the worst shitshow of all time, won't be doing that again anytime soon. Sometimes home is so. hard.

In case the internet world is wondering: I broke up with my boyfriend. It has been awful. I feel like crap just about all the time, but I am slowly feeling better. I guess it's something we all have to go through. I have been trying to distract myself with the car, friends, etc but I can't keep busy enough. It was so much easier to be insanely busy in DC. Asheville just isn't happenin' as much. It makes me feel like such an island- really distant from everything I thought I knew. The past year I feel like I've grown up more than any other year probably since I was an infant. It's so uncomfortable- I've been really wanting to hit the "rewind" button on life a lot lately (it makes me think about my friend Pete's tatoo of the play, pause, stop, fast forward and rewind buttons like on a remote). I know I will get better- I am getting better. I just need to quit being alone and hiding and schedule the shit out of my life again.

I've been listening to Vampire Weekend and The Magnetic Fields non-stop.

I get by with a little help from my friends

kids

Summer is halfway through, amazing! I really dislike summer, for the most part. South Carolina ruined it for me, I guess.

Asheville living is going really well. I went to DC for the 4th of July and to Beaufort SC last weekend for my grandma's 85th birthday. Both adventures went well.

I'm shopping to buy a car and it sucks. I really want the Honda Civic Hybrid but they are kind of hard to find. So I'm settling for just a regular Honda Civic. Trying to buy a car without a car to shop for cars is really hard. I've already had several bad encounters with dealership jackasses and I would like to refrain from doing that until the end of time. I can't believe how people will lie to you and put on such a performance and expect you to fall for it and give them big amounts of money. Please. Bitch, please.

So, sometimes I have daily themes, and yesterday had a really clear one: CHILDREN. A friend of a friend who I know distantly gave birth yesterday to a little girl. The mom is my age, married, other than that the same song and dance for the most part- I can't stop thinking about it though. It's the first person I've known that was my age to have a baby. I think it's so flabbergasting to me because it's a really real wakeup call to the fact that I am a GROWNUP. I mean, not really, but you know. That could be me. I'm not ready for that type of grownup activity yet- but god. It is so magic and scary and beautiful. I wonder if I'll ever be ready for that.

To cap off all those thoughts I babysat last night for the first time in a long time- 2 boys, 3 years old and 6 years old. I guess it's my selfish 20's narcissism but how on earth do people do that?! Parenting is so hard- it must be rewarding enough, I understand the romantic aspects of having a family but the day-to-day is really hard. I'm sure all these questions and observations are just signs that I am absolutely not ready for any of this, though I know I could do it if I really had to.

When I ride the bus to work in the morning I've been recognizing faces that are on the ride. There is one family, usually just the mom and the two little kids (boy and girl, both under 5, the mom is my age). The kids are always chirping and whirring and eating some part of their breakfast (one morning it was a bag of potato chips!) while their mom tries to keep them from being too loud. This morning the dad was there too and they were arguing all the way to the daycare stop. How do any of us survive our families? How does anyone make it out halfway decent? I know some families are much easier to grow up with than others- even still, everyone has their problems. You must be really idealistic and in love to even consider having a family with anyone- I hope I am that way someday.

I'll just end this post with this

Coming Home

A lot has been going on. I moved back to Asheville (very stressful) but I am really happy about it. My boyfriend helped me a lot which was really nice. After all the mean packing got done we went to Great Falls, VA to check out the crazy waterfalls on the Potomac (see picture).

My new job is really exciting and exactly what I should have been doing the whole time. Happy non-profit flexible job! My office is in the upstairs of a cute house across the street from a great coffee shop. There are two types of lavender next to the sidewalk to the porch as well as a hydrangea. Those are basically my two favorite plants/flowers. The lavender is blooming right now so you can smell it when you walk by. From the window of my desk I can see the blue ridge mountains. It has been my fantasy in life to live in a room where you can see those mountains. My senior year of college I could kind of see a ridge line- so I guess that counts, but I finally have the real deal with this office. Unbelievable. I miss talkin' trash and recycling but energy conservation is all related.

My new apartment is super cute and really cheap. I live downtown and can walk to everything I need. I am around the corner from Greenlife Grocery for instant food gratification and I just discovered today that the closest ATM to me is from a credit union and DOESN'T CHARGE ME A FEE TO USE IT?!?! Magic happens in Asheville. Anyways, my room is pretty small but that is ok with me, it is basically only for sleeping and dressing and storing. It is a 3 bedroom apartment in a big house that has been separated into apartments. I am still searching for a bed (hard to do without a car) so I have a palate on the floor which is fine for now. The biggest improvement overall I think are all the windows in my life now. There are windows in my office (my old office didn't have windows, it was awful), there are WINDOWS IN MY ROOM that look over a wooded lot. Since the room is on the second floor of the house it feels like I am in a tree house!! Lots of trees. I can hear birds, even identify some of them! There is a church close by that rings bells on the hour. At 12:00, 5:00 and I think 6:00 it plays crazy bell songs for like 15 minutes. I'm in love. It's exactly what I wanted / needed.

New roommate K is totally awesome, as well. She and I went to college together and it is really such a good situation. She has a cat, Queen, that lives with us too. I am allergic to cats, only if I pet them and love them like I want to though. So we live an awkward existence- I talk to Queen a lot but if she gets too close I have to shoo her away. I hate doing that but so it goes. I call her the following names:
Queen
Queenie
Queen Bean
McQueen
Little White Cat
Little Cat
Bad Cat

I thought for a while that Eloise (from one of my favorite children's books of all time) had a pet dog named Queenie but after some research it turns out her pug is named Weenie. Queen is 15 years old! She acts younger than that, though. She takes a long time to sit down. She is very small and quiet. She tries to go out of the door of the apartment anytime you open it, though when she does actually get out she is too scared to go down the stairs to properly escape. Our relationship is complicated and sad because I do love her but I can't pet her, so she is still kind of mystified by me. She is a very friendly cat.

Since moving back I have been riding my bike to and from work every day. The first few days were kind of hard- I had to reacquaint myself to the hills around here. Now I am pretty comfortable with them- I think a lot of it is just getting into routine. I am in the process of getting a car, sadly, because the program I'm doing requires it. I'm telling myself it won't be so bad because I can drive home for the weekend if I want, or drive to Pisgah to go hiking, go to DC, go to my favorite grocery store on the planet Amazing Savings (they don't have a website! Figures...) or go to anywhere I want.

This morning, my first real Saturday since I've been back, I got up extra early to check out a yard sale on my street. I was hoping for a bed- they did have a futon, which I considered, but I really don't like sleeping on futons. Instead I got a MSR Whisperlite Internationale Backpacking Stove, something I have wanted SPECIFICALLY for years- they were selling it for $20! Ha! This stove rules because:
#1 It's a Whisperlite, the stove I am used to using since my very first backpacking trip
#2 It's SOOOO LIGHT
#3 It's constructed really simply so even an engineering dummy like me can take the thing apart and fix it if it's screwy
#4 The internationale version of the Whisperlite can run off of lots of different kinds of fuels, not just white gas. This sucker can even run on JET FUEL if you happen to have it when your plane crashes and you have extra jet fuel. EXTRA SPECIAL!!!!

I also got a Minolta Dynax 5 SLR film camera for $25. I just need to get some batteries! What a steal. All my SLR's die (I probably have a graveyard of at least 4 or 5 in my room in my mom's house) so when I see a cheap one I like to snatch it up and use it until it dies, too. It's cheaper than getting the old ones fixed, that's for damn sure. So hopefully some happy really nice pictures soon. This camera even came with the instruction book and still had the original receipt! Crazy! Maybe this one won't die. I can hope.

I also made french toast for breakfast, something I haven't done in a long time. I should cook things that aren't stir-fry more often. haha. NAAAHHHH

Being back in Asheville has felt like coming home. I am really pleased with everything so far.

Everything needs to fix itself

I am feeling very frustrated and lame right now. I really hate not being busy (socially). There are a lot of complex things going on but as sad as they all are it boils down to the fact that I really can't wait to get out of here. There are a lot of things that I want to stay in DC for but in every situation there is something to ruin it. For example: I love my roommate E. We are great roommates. But I HATE LIVING IN A BASEMENT. I love trash, recycling, money, and my coworkers at my job. I HATE MY BOSS. I HATE MY TASKS AT WORK. WORK IS MISERABLE. These examples go on and on. So I may as well just leave all this shit to fix itself and possibly return in the future. I am sad and excited at the same time.

Asheville here I come! I'm leaving in 3 or 4 days.

I don't even know

Oh my GOD what is happening to my life!? Hello cryptic blog post!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Come down from the mountain, you have been gone too long

So, big news! I went down to Asheville last Thursday after work
("J, I'm off of work, what is the plan?" "E, do you want to leave now?" "YES" "Lets go.")

I had a job interview in Asheville for a position with the Western North Carolina Green Building Council. It was on Friday in a happy upstairs room of a house/office in West Asheville. I felt so good about it and was already dreading the feeling of being let down after being so excited about leaving my current job (which has progressively gotten worse and worse, things I have not revealed in this blog).

I returned my bff R's car to her (she was still at work) and since I didn't have anything to do but wait I offered to help her since her job was swamped that day. Her bosses immediately swooped in to meet me (very sweet) and when I told them I had just returned from a job interview they scolded R for not telling them I was looking for a job (!?) and ushered me into a hilarious conference room- shouting "get the cookies! bring the cookies!" the whole time. So I sat and ate a cookie while we had a pseudo-job interview at this law firm?!! It was really funny and so kind at the same time. I really love small town type things. I swear upon everything I know, I think that people in Western NC are NICER than most. I don't know what it is. Maybe I am nicer when I am there, too. So I had two job interviews back to back, one official and one not (but kinda?). So funny. At the end one of the ladies said, "We're ready when you are!"

I changed out of my interview suit and met up with my boyfriend for a weekend of hiking and general Western NC therapy in Pisgah National Forest. It was wonderful to smell all the mountain smells and listen to wind. Wind is really loud when you're high up in the mountains. We hiked up Black Balsam and over that ridge and back down to Flat Laurel Creek (please talk to me if you know what area I'm talking about, it's one of my favorite places of all time). We didn't actually go backpacking because we really didn't have time to. It was still so nice to relax and stare at mountains and rivers and nothing without any obligations for a while. The mountains help me to clear my head better than anything else. I can see things for what they are so much better after I consult the Blue Ridge.

So Sunday morning came and my blissful mountain time had to end. The drive back to DC was grueling as usual, though I had a lot to think about. By the time we got to Fredericksburg it was time for a snack so J and I cruised the chip isle of some gas station debating whether or not almonds were a better snack than Teddy Grahams (I hate Teddy Grahms). I got a call from an unknown number - 9:30PM on a Sunday night? It was THE GUY FROM THE GREEN BUILDING COUNCIL. I GOT THE JOB. 9:30PM ON A SUNDAY NIGHT. I am just now coming down from the cloud I was elevated to on the chip isle. Holy hell, a ticket back to Asheville doing meaningful work for people WHO WILL APPRECIATE IT. Yes yes, a thousand times yes!

Today was filled with resigning from my current job (!!! hello grownup!) and the beginning of lots of mental lists. I am moving back down to Asheville in less than 3 weeks. Dreams come true! I can't stop listening to Fleet Foxes. I am feeling good. Goodbyes are hard but I am getting better at them every time.

Gosh, I am so pleased. It makes so much more sense for me to live in Asheville. I am confidant.




Darling, I can barely remember you beside me
You should come back home, back on your own now

self imposed homesickness

Listening to Fleet Foxes on a lonely and overcast Sunday in the city is just like shooting myself in the foot. I did buy a ticket to their show here in July, though who knows if I'll actually be here to go see it. Today is a move-back-to-Asheville type of day.

Staying in DC for memorial day was a mistake. Everyone is busy or gone.

I should go for a bike ride so that I don't dissolve completely in loneliness and regret. Ugh. Stay busy, stay busy.

I will go ride my bike down to Adam's Morgan I think, that will help me feel better.

The Merry Blues

I returned to Asheville last weekend to celebrate graduation at Warren Wilson with friends- it turned out to be a huge 1-year-out-of-college reunion for a lot of folks. I was so ecstatically happy for a couple days- it feels so good to be manically happy after looking forward to something for so long. Seeing my boyfriend was also so good- I miss him every day. I have a lot of guilt for moving away, though I know that if I had stayed down there until he finished school I would have resented myself/him. I really had too much fun in Asheville, I knew it would happen. Right when I feel good about living in DC and charting a new course I go back and screw it all up with those intoxicating mountains, bearded men, and bluegrass. I almost wish Asheville were so far away that I really couldn't return, just so that temptation wouldn't be there and I could be left to forge a new existence without being foiled in one visit.

I am filled with a constant dilemma. Every day, I think about whether I should keep on with my new life in DC or if I should move back to Asheville. There are such wonderful advantages to both places. It was a very easy decision before I made good friends in DC- just wait out my lease here and then go back. Now I have people that make me happy here- I love the independence I have in the city- no car, easy access to whatever I want, always fun things going on and places to explore. It seems like I meet new people all the time who are really smart and successful. My old friends are constantly visiting me here- it is rare that I am alone. At the same time, the city can be grating on me. It's hard to get out of the concrete when you really want to- I feel awkward about listening to My Morning Jacket and Fleet Foxes, it is honestly inappropriate to listen to that stuff in a city. I miss the watchful mountains of Western NC and the familiar faces and places there. I miss being close to my mom, and boyfriend, too. I know I would be happy in both places- that is the biggest problem. Which would make me happiest? I was always under the impression that after college life is glamorous and easy, you set yourself up and just go. It is like that sometimes- but there are always problems. It would be so much easier to not get so attached to people and places. At least I got out of South Carolina and have no desire to return.

I suppose the answer is just to continue the wait for my lease to go up- see how the summer goes. My job is miserable, so that does have a large influence. Today, I lean toward staying in DC. Tomorrow, we'll see. The answer is always "wait and see what happens" for EVERYTHING.

I also am aware of what I have termed "Asheville Disease" - which is a disease that affects those who have visited or lived in Asheville and fell in love with it but can't find a way to return. Those of us who live every day with the pull to go back but no opportunity for a decent job there or some other obstacle that keeps us where we are. Asheville Disease is made worse by going back, of course. There is another saying about Warren Wilson graduates- there are two types. The ones that stay in Asheville and can't find a job and the ones that leave Asheville, have a job, but are just trying to go back. This is so true it is pathetic. It's nice to not be alone in my illness, though.

I am also finally aware of the fact that choosing Warren Wilson College was the best possible decision I could have made about where to go to school. It took this long to realize it, but a big thank you to 18-year-old Elizabeth is in order. Seriously, I went to the perfect school for me. I have no regrets about it and I don't think I would have been happier anywhere else. There were times when I thought about transferring- but I found the people that I needed to learn and to grow so it worked out. It makes paying the loans not so terrible.

I am also aware now that there are way more people reading this blog than I thought. I'll try to update it more. I know I always say that.

On the day that I turned 23

This song has made me fall in love pretty badly. I like listening to it without the video- though the video is ok. More updates about falling love with other things later.

Dumpster Diving

So, it's university move-out season. Now that I'm not in school anymore I decided to get in on some dumpster diving to see what I could find. These pictures are of all the loot I found over 4 days. Let it be known that I am careful in a dumpster and I don't take anything unless it's coming from a reasonably clean bag of trash/box, etc. I may write more about how to dumpster dive soon- it is certainly worth it!

Day 4: tree wall paper, record coasters, Office DVD, Macbook (broken to hell), bed risers, paint, nike sweatband still in package, apple earbuds, dryer sheets, pens, books
Darth Vader mask, crown, origami paper...
Lots of cool clothes...
A LOT of Garnier Fruictese hair products, dish soap, hand soap, advil, lots of facewashes, hairties...
Clorox wipes, dryer sheets....
lots of food! Ramen, oatmeal, hot sauce (2 kinds!), lots of granola bars and snacks, 6 beers, organic canned soups....
2 Sigg water bottles, tupper wear, sandwich bags, lottsss of snack nori, more bars...

Day 3: paper towels, mac and cheese, candy, lots of easy mac, running shoes in my size, bars, lottss of kid clif bars, a big box of organic animal crackers, tons of aleve medicine packs...
a recycling bin (WHAT THE HELL, GUYS?!), a turtle basket, two umbrellas
5 bras!
Day 2: basically all of Trader Joe's was in the trash.. organic everything!!!

lots of laundry things and hair products, an entire pack of first class stamps (?!), 4 DC metro cards with money on them...
north face backpack!!
This was from day 1:

In addition to all this my friends and I found a LOT of textbooks (there are two boxes of them in my hallway). We are going to sell all of them and split the money. Awesome town! So let this be a lesson to you all to reduce what you buy, reuse what you have, and for goodness sake recycle everything else. This stuff was ALL IN DUMPSTERS OR TRASH AREAS. Unbelievable!

Hopefully I'll update the blog more often. I want to do a segment about crazy deals I find at Goodwill and dumpster trips.

not ok

I am having a hard time.

this wilderness needs to get right out of my clothes and get into my bedroom.

I was walking home from where the bus lets me off (I was returning home from the Freeminds Book Club "Friendraiser" at Marvin*) when as I approach my stoop I see a cute dog walking around. No leash, no owner, just walking around. It came up to me and I pet it and it was really sweet. It looked like a puppy but kind of a big puppy. Really nice dog. I walked up the stairs to my door and the dog followed me! I sat down and pet it and talked to it and it didn't have a collar but it was obvious that this dog had been socialized with people. So cute!

It ran to another stoop where a woman was on the phone, she yelled to me "is that your dog?" and I said "no" and she said she was calling animal control. That made me so sad- I sat and pet the dog for some more and tried to take a picture to show it to my boyfriend. I came inside so that I wouldn't be so tempted to keep it. I was SO CLOSE TO BRINGING THAT DOG INSIDE. I want a dog so bad! And I'm pretty sure animal control puts animals to sleep if no on adopts them really fast... so I'm feeling really sick about it now... but I'm pretty sure that since it is still a puppy and it's so friendly and cute that someone will adopt it quickly. aw. I came inside and spewed that whole story to my roommate and almost cried.

I'm at a time in my life where I really want a dog for the companionship and consistency (since both of those things are kind of up in the air right now) but I live in a small apartment, I don't come straight home from work all the time, I can't come home for lunch to let it out, I travel spontaneously... the list goes on. Bad idea to bring a pet that needs a lot of love into the mix. I am still considering getting a hamster, though. They don't mind being alone and you can leave them for a pretty long amount of time and they are ok. Really I want a dog, though.

*Marvin is a really cool bar near U street in DC. It is a Marvin Gaye tribute bar. I can't even believe that exists and the fact that it does exist and that it is VERY CLASSY AND NICE just floors me. They served chicken and waffles and ribs at the fundraiser..... my first chicken and waffles! Marvin is is specifically devoted to a period in Marvin Gaye's life when he moved to Belgium to kind of "regroup" so they serve Belgian beer (my favorite!)

lyrics I can relate to

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.

There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run it's course.

-MGMT

Exotic Travels

I went to New York City and had fun times with two of my best girls. I love my work schedule when I get my 3 day weekend! It makes my life come back to me. Like this:


I went to Atlanta for my cousin's wedding. I saw a lot of my crazy family. The wedding was fun and I tried a Long Island Iced Tea for the first time. Let it be known: it is not tea. This was a very classy Jewish wedding- like... something you'd see on a wedding show type classy. It made me think a lot about how I want my wedding to be. It won't really be classy at all I think, some parts will be classy, but mostly I think it will be a ho-down. I love classy, don't get me wrong, I just don't think I want to drop the kind of money that classy costs. I'd rather have a bluegrass band and like 5 kegs and a barn and some mountains and maybe a potluck. Yeaaaaah. But this wedding was really fun, everyone was very happy!


I went to the new Georgia Aquarium while I was there. It was great! They have 3 Beluga Whales and 4 Whale Sharks. They have river otters AND sea otters. There were about 8000 little kids but I managed to see what I wanted to see (the whale sharks). They are kind of hard to miss.




(There is not a whale shark in either of these pictures. You have to find out for yourself what they look like! I'm not spoiling it!!!!)

So I've been listening to some new (to me) stuff that makes for a great early-spring playlist.

M. Ward - Jailbird
M. Ward - Hi Fi
M. Ward - Never had Nobody Like You
M. Ward - Chinese Translation
Brigitte Bardot - Moi Je Joui
Animal Collective - Lion in a Coma
Fiction Family - When She's Near
The Shins - Sleeping Lessons
Feist - Sealion (Chromeo Remix)

I know I'm behind the times- when I get sad I quit listening to music, too. I'm back.

Be good to your daughters

Today I got some really great news that implies that I will be going to New York City this weekend. That means adventure and bagels. I am about to jump out of myself over the good news- which I won't share here but if you know me in real life I'll gladly tell you.

So, in case anyone was wondering, Chinatown bus travel is easy, cheap, and sometimes comfortable. I go back and forth to New York this way, usually using Megabus or Boltbus- but sometimes the other "lesser" Chinatown companies that are cheaper or more convenient. Megabus and Boltbus both have very clean buses and free wifi on the bus. Boltbus is always on time. Megabus isn't. Tickets are usually around $20 one way but if you book them early enough (like.... a month in advance) Megabus sells some tickets for $1-$8. Some people claim to have had very bad and terrifying experiences on Chinatown buses but I have yet to have had one. It seems like everyone knows a Chinatown bus terror story .. but when it comes down to it the guy who was stabbed to death and then decapitated on a bus was on a greyhound bus in Canada.. not a Chinatown bus.

In other news I ate Amsterdam Falafel again tonight and it was AWESOME.

Memories Made in the Coldest Winter

I realize I have semi-abandoned this blog. I tend to do that when I get too busy (true) or when I get really sad (also true). I think I will just pick up this blog from current life- if I tried to brief the interwebs about the past two months it would be too much. Instead, I will leave you with a sort of photoblog of my absence and I will just start writing from the here and now. yaaaaay.






This past weekend my buddy A came up from Raleigh to visit! It was perfect timing because I've been super down and sad about the weather, job issues, homesickness for my boyfriend / western NC, etc. Winter is way harder than I ever expected- I've always enjoyed winter a lot. When Spring didn't suddenly appear at the end of February I was really thrown off. I'm spoiled.


So A and I went to the Library of Congress with her boyfriend F (both of them are getting their degrees in Library Science). That was pretty cool- but not as cool as the BABY GORILLA we saw at the National Zoo (!!!!!!!!!!) We also saw sleeping otters. And a cute otter statue. And PANDAS. and RED PANDAS. PANDAS!!!


We spent a lot of time in Adam's Morgan- so of course we went to Amsterdam Falafel- the most awesome food EVER. You get a pita with falafels in it that they FRY TO ORDER and then you get to put all the toppings you want on it. Oh man, I could eat that every day. It's also cheap and they have really good fries.

We walked a lot over the weekend- it makes my feet tired but it makes my legs feel good. It was so warm over the weekend and for most of today- my mood has improved a lot. Feeling a breeze on my legs is enough to change my outlook on life, if only for a little while. The entire city smells different when it warms up, maybe it's the daffodils or maybe it's the fact that I can actually smell things and my nose isn't running constantly. I cry and whine about winter in DC, I know it's nothing that bad- but we did have 8 inches of snow a week ago and I didn't have any delays in work or anything. I think that validates my crying and whining at least a little bit.

Work has been strange lately. I'm not going to say much on this most public of all venues- but I feel it must be known on my blog that the real world is not "glamorous" at all. The only glamorous part is not having homework and getting a paycheck. Realizing this and accepting it can be very difficult, and can raise many more questions and decisions to be made. I am constantly searching for happiness and ways to fake my own happiness.

Here is my current list of fake happiness (temporary happiness that fools you into short term happiness):
exercising
reeses (easter egg reeses are especially good)
hair mousse
alcohol
sunshine
surfing petfinder.com
calculating airfares
google image searching sealions or groundhogs

I can go on. I am trying to get happy- re-starting this blog is a sign of that. Spring is sure to help out: new opportunities, lots of friends to see- there is always something to be done or someone to visit. I predict some great changes coming. I am joining a kickball league. Hibernation is over!