death and rejection

I know it's been a while since I wrote. I had some serious internet paranoia about employers "finding me" on the internet so I worked for a couple days to try to keep my online presence down to a minimum. Let it be known, young bloggers, don't ever use your full name on ANYTHING unless you want it to be found by the pope, your grandma, your novio/novias mom, or the people that you want to HIRE YOU IN THE FUTURE. I have been so naive.

Yesterday I went to the funeral for my great-aunt in Walterboro, South Carolina. I felt really sad for my grandmother because she was so sad that her sister died. It must be such a terrible feeling to watch your family die and know that you're next and not far off. She's about to be 89, so I'm not sure if she even realizes these things or not (a little dementia can be a good thing). The service was at a Baptist church and was really bizarre, not exactly what I'm used to in term of religion. Like any event involving ritual or rites of passage, I had my anthropology goggles on. In this service, it was run clearly by men. Three male preachers or pastors or whatever they were led the pal bearers in a processional inside the church. The three head guys then ran the service, which involved no interaction from the guests (congregation)- except for that optional "amen" at the end of certain prayers. The only singing was done by one soloist man who was in the front, too. I wanna know where the women at? Just not my cup of tea. But- my great aunt's religion did help her a lot in her life and especially when she was sick in the hospital.

You really have to credit religion for serving its purpose sometimes. One thing about anthropology goggles and religion is that it can turn you into an atheist really fast- though I'm not. I still believe but I also understand what the function of religions ARE and how they can change over time to suit the spiritual needs of a culture (not much sacrifice going on in the US anymore, is there? There are reasons for this kind of cultural change).

So anyway. I didn't get one of the jobs that I really really wanted. When that happened it was the first time I have cried during this whole process. It's just so disappointing to be rejected and not know why- it really does make you feel like you're damaged goods or that there is something wrong with you or that you're doing something wrong with the process. Even worse, to not get an answer one way or another from the potential employer by the date they said they would get back to you. I practically spammed this lady to get an answer out of her- and let it be known that if an employer doesn't get back to you quickly / on time, chances are you didn't catch that bus to employment town. They will stay in close touch with those that they want and a lot of times just "forget" about the no-gos. It seems like employers just like to avoid that whole "I'm just not that into you" message so they just don't say anything at all. How hard is it to send an email or call a person and just say- hey, you're great but we're looking for something else. I am trying to stay positive. I got an encouraging phone message about another job- I'm on the "short list." The politics with this stuff are incredible.

So I am alive, happy internet. I'm still dealing with internet paranoia but I think I have it under control now.