disease and detriment

3 weeks ago I got a headache that got worse, and worse, and worse.  It went on for days and by the time I dragged my sloppy ass to the urgent care I couldn't sleep anymore because it hurt so much.  I thought it was a sinus infection (fantasies of stabbing forks through my skull usually lead me to this conclusion) but the doc looked in my throat and proclaimed that he could "smell the strep."  Right.  I've never had strep.  My throat didn't even hurt that bad.  I failed the strep test, too.  He sent me away with prescriptions for antibiotics, steroids, and vicodin, just to make sure to kill off everything in my body.  I was excited to start feeling better but underestimated how hard going to Wal-Mart to get the prescriptions filled would be.


It occurred to me while I was sweating with a fever in the dairy section listening to Christmas carols and endlessly looping commercials about Thanksgiving feasts that I hadn't eaten in several days and I really might pass out right there in front of the chocolate pudding I was staring at.  Hallucinating in Wal-Mart is terrifying.  I grabbed a cliff bar and sat on the bench near the pharmacy and ate a bite and prayed that I wouldn't pass out and fall on the linoleum floor.  (I have an irrational fear of linoleum floors).


I made it and came home and looked at my throat and saw was the doc saw.  ZOMBIE DEATH THROAT.


A week later, antibiotics almost all gone, my throat was looking just as bad as had when I first went in.  I hadn't really gotten out of bed for the entire week, either.  You know when you're sick and you hit that wall where you're like, "Screw this!  I'm bored.  I'm tired of being in bed.  Time for other things!" and you move to small activities and then to bigger ones and then you're all functioning again?  It had been 7 days and I still was content to sleep almost all day and night and watch episodes of Bored to Death and take vicodin.  I went back to the urgent care.  They did a mono-spot test and I HAVE MONO.


DO YOU UNDERSTAND WORLD?  I HAVE MONONUCLEOSIS.


I spent Thanksgiving alone and in bed.  It was pathetic but I was not having any of "driving for 3 hours to eat lots of food and potentially getting mom sick" or my mom driving here just to eat food with me.  You see, mono has this way of making you forget about food.  Even on Thanksgiving.


Since then I have been laying in bed.  I'm on a new course of steroids that is pretty sweet except for the side effects, which I haven't noticed (other than the insomnia which is listed as a long-term side effect, HA) but are worth a read:

• Elevated pressure in the eyes (glaucoma)
• Fluid retention, causing swelling in your lower legs
• Increased blood pressure
• Mood swings
• Weight gain, with fat deposits in your abdomen, face and the back of your neck

OH RIGHT, FAT DEPOSITS ON THE BACK OF MY NECK AND ALSO ON MY FACE.  As if the attractive golfball sized swollen lymph node on my left jaw isn't enough.  Anyway, I'll be done taking those tomorrow- they have helped a lot with that whole zombie death throat thing.  Hopefully zombie death throat will not return.

Here are things I've learned from having mono:

• pets are amazing at making you NOT feel like you are a worthless sack of shit.  If you have to take care of one, you have a purpose and you don't question God constantly on why you exist in the first place if you are feeling like this.  Pippa is a hilarious companion and she is my best friend.
• orange juice: seems like a great idea.  IT'S NOT.  The zombie throat of death prohibits the citrus. 
• ice cream: FANTASTIC IDEA.
• having mono over a major holiday was kind of cool for being so sucky.  The handouts were great: I sampled 3 different Thanksgivings and realized I love sweet potatoes, pumpkin related items, brussel sprouts, TURKEY, and other things a lot more than I thought.  I should eat these things more.
• antiseptic throat spray rules
• my sick uniform here at chez eliz: black leggings, deep v tee shirt (helps with fevers, you can cool down way faster), long sleeve over that, and uggs and a vest to take Pippa out.  It goes from day, to night, to day, to night, to day, to night, to day, to night..... here at the hipster hospital ward
• emotional breakdowns, whether because of hormone induced craziness from steroids or from sufjan stevens or from the fact that you haven't talked to a human face to face in 4 days, can almost always be cured by a dumb movie, eating something, or having a conversation with your dog.

I've had the mild urge to spread mono to other people who live in my building using biowarfare tactics (licking door knobs, etc) to get even with their noisy obnoxious behavior.  I also like thinking of myself as a phoenix that is dying slowly only to reemerge out of my memory foam mattress as Elizabeth 2.0 who will conquer the planet in the following ways:

1. wearing bright lip stick
2. making new friends
3. styling my hair
4. trying harder to look like Zooey Deschanel
5. cooking things other than stir fry
6. drinking heavily and reveling in my 20's before I get washed up 
7. moving somewhere temporarily with my mobile job and seeing what happens.