Wind in my Sails

I am in Connecticut visiting my family.  My aunt has pretty bad breast cancer and she just got done with a really aggressive form of chemo.  She is really sick.  She doesn't have any hair.  I have never been around a cancer patient like this.  It makes me so afraid.

My cousins were here, though (they are my age) and it was great to be around the whole family.  It's so rare to have "everyone together" when you grow up, I always think about people as part of the unit they were with when I was a child.  I love it when it all comes back together.

My uncle recently bought a sailboat off of craigslist.  He doesn't know how to sail very well but we still went out twice this past weekend on the Thames river.  He taught me to sail and now I am totally in love with sailing.  There is magic in the power of wind blowing you across the water- trying to harness it just enough to go where you intend to go but recognizing that you really don't have any control at all.  That wind can die down just as fast as it can pick up.  It falls into my mantra that I've been thinking a lot about in the past few months: "Don't push the river, it flows."  Also, the energy conservation geek in me gets totally high off of the fact that the boat is powered on nothing but wind- way cool.  On one tack I caught the wind and the boat leaned 30 degrees!  (that is a lot)

One hand on the tiller and one hand on the jib line tacking like a motherfucking professional

I was supposed to catch the train back to NYC this afternoon but a huge thunderstorm knocked out the electricity to the Amtrak trains running between Boston and NYC.  I am secretly glad to stay, even though the cousins and their friends are gone now.  I really love how healing it can be to be in a "grownup" household.  

Dates with Mountains

Went for a hike in early March with G and borrowed dog, Rosa.  Rosa is the smartest dog I've ever encountered.  G and I didn't know exactly where to go and Rosa always knew.  We would start walking the wrong way and Rosa would practically roll her eyes at us.  I need a dog that is smarter than me.

The mountains here look so grown up with snow all over them..  The snow makes them look taller!  It was a perfect spring day on Saturday, 70 degrees and sunny- first day out with bare legs.  Then today while I was at work I looked out of the window at one point and it was POURING SNOW.  Western North Carolina does this every year but every year it takes everyone by surprise.  I get excited every time.

MESSES OF RADIANT HEAT

TODAY I WAS A VEGAN ALL DAY

I THINK THAT ALL THE SHIT IN MY ROOM THAT IS ALL OVER THE FLOOR ABSORBS HEAT WHILE I WORK AT NIGHT AND THEN GIVES OFF RADIANT HEAT THROUGH THE NIGHT AFTER I CUT THE HEAT OFF. THAT IS MY EXCUSE FOR WHY I HAVE NOT CLEANED MY ROOM / PUT AWAY CLOTHES IN OVER A MONTH.

I FEEL LIKE I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO CHRISTMAS OR TO SOME KIND OF 'BREAK' BUT THERE ISN'T ONE. I AM ONLY GOING TO GO HOME FOR 3 DAYS. DAMN STRAIGHT.

TODAY I DOWNLOADED THE ROSEBUDS ALBUM BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I LIKE IT YET. I TRIED TO DOWNLOAD THE GENERATIONALS BUT CAN'T FIND THE FULL ALBUM ANYWHERE.

EVERYTHING WILL BE WORTH IT. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE GREAT. I AM GOING TO BE OK. I AM GOING TO BE OK. I AM GOING TO BE OK. I AM GOING TO BE OK.

The Kids Don't Stand a Chance

I think Asheville is in the middle of the peak summer heat wave right now. I have slept with my backup fan blowing on my head the past two nights. Having no AC is still very satisfying in an OCD energy-conservation kind of way.

I bought a car! I will take pictures soon. It is a white 2003 Honda Civic Hybrid. Hybrid means I don't feel as guilty about buying a car as I would have if it were not a hybrid. Mainly, I am in love with it because

1. It's freaking cute and awesome
2. The turning radius turns me on (seriously, it beats the volvo my mom had)
3. It's the color I wanted
4. It has an electric engine to help the gas engine
5. it CUTS OFF COMPLETELY WHEN YOU STOP!!!!!!!!!!! SO AWESOME
6. MAIN REASON: it has awesome miles-per-gallon tools that tell you how many MPG you're using at any given time. It also can record the average MPG you get when you set the miles- like, when you track how many miles you go, it will also track your average MPG. (I'm currently in the process of seeing how accurate the MPG tools are by doing the math the old skool way so we'll see how that goes)
7. I didn't get it at a stupid car dealership. My advice to the sensitive cats in the world: don't shop at car dealerships. They are insane! There is no "deal" about it, just getting hosed by a-hole car dealers. I had major problems with the whole "haggling" process and getting disrespected because I am a young woman. Craigslist all the way.

Also, hilarious point about hybrid drivers, if you notice they drive really slow: it's because they want REALLY GOOD MPG. So addicting and fun to get 100MPG going down hills at 35 mph... not realizing/not caring you're holding up traffic.

So I am in the process of becoming a full fledged North Carolina resident. I passed the NC written driving test and didn't miss a single question! Some of those suckers are a little tricky, but hell if I was going to go back to the DMV another time. That's like taking a trip to hell and deciding to return for another round. Now I wait for my new license to come in the mail. Then I have to go get NC tags for my car, then I will be a real person. I have to say I am totally spoiled by the car already, public transportation down here is the suck for sure. I try to take the bus when I can to go to/from work but the new hasn't worn off of driving the cutest car around town.... so I need to get over that. Adventures to DC are in the future, as well as Raleigh/Chapel Hill, Weldon (NC) and Beaufort, SC. I already went home once and that was the worst shitshow of all time, won't be doing that again anytime soon. Sometimes home is so. hard.

In case the internet world is wondering: I broke up with my boyfriend. It has been awful. I feel like crap just about all the time, but I am slowly feeling better. I guess it's something we all have to go through. I have been trying to distract myself with the car, friends, etc but I can't keep busy enough. It was so much easier to be insanely busy in DC. Asheville just isn't happenin' as much. It makes me feel like such an island- really distant from everything I thought I knew. The past year I feel like I've grown up more than any other year probably since I was an infant. It's so uncomfortable- I've been really wanting to hit the "rewind" button on life a lot lately (it makes me think about my friend Pete's tatoo of the play, pause, stop, fast forward and rewind buttons like on a remote). I know I will get better- I am getting better. I just need to quit being alone and hiding and schedule the shit out of my life again.

I've been listening to Vampire Weekend and The Magnetic Fields non-stop.

I get by with a little help from my friends