So lame. I feel like an extreme loser. I'm running out of patience.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Monday, August 18, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
sad
I am just really sad. Sad, fed up, sick, nervous. Reality sure does hit hard.
I get cryptic when things are too much for the internet. It really is such a superficial place. It's becoming weirder and weirder how even though it is so superficial, it has become the communication medium for some really serious stuff. I don't know how to feel about that and my anthropology goggles are whirring at work trying to make sense of it. So sad.
I get cryptic when things are too much for the internet. It really is such a superficial place. It's becoming weirder and weirder how even though it is so superficial, it has become the communication medium for some really serious stuff. I don't know how to feel about that and my anthropology goggles are whirring at work trying to make sense of it. So sad.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
death and rejection
I know it's been a while since I wrote. I had some serious internet paranoia about employers "finding me" on the internet so I worked for a couple days to try to keep my online presence down to a minimum. Let it be known, young bloggers, don't ever use your full name on ANYTHING unless you want it to be found by the pope, your grandma, your novio/novias mom, or the people that you want to HIRE YOU IN THE FUTURE. I have been so naive.
Yesterday I went to the funeral for my great-aunt in Walterboro, South Carolina. I felt really sad for my grandmother because she was so sad that her sister died. It must be such a terrible feeling to watch your family die and know that you're next and not far off. She's about to be 89, so I'm not sure if she even realizes these things or not (a little dementia can be a good thing). The service was at a Baptist church and was really bizarre, not exactly what I'm used to in term of religion. Like any event involving ritual or rites of passage, I had my anthropology goggles on. In this service, it was run clearly by men. Three male preachers or pastors or whatever they were led the pal bearers in a processional inside the church. The three head guys then ran the service, which involved no interaction from the guests (congregation)- except for that optional "amen" at the end of certain prayers. The only singing was done by one soloist man who was in the front, too. I wanna know where the women at? Just not my cup of tea. But- my great aunt's religion did help her a lot in her life and especially when she was sick in the hospital.
You really have to credit religion for serving its purpose sometimes. One thing about anthropology goggles and religion is that it can turn you into an atheist really fast- though I'm not. I still believe but I also understand what the function of religions ARE and how they can change over time to suit the spiritual needs of a culture (not much sacrifice going on in the US anymore, is there? There are reasons for this kind of cultural change).
So anyway. I didn't get one of the jobs that I really really wanted. When that happened it was the first time I have cried during this whole process. It's just so disappointing to be rejected and not know why- it really does make you feel like you're damaged goods or that there is something wrong with you or that you're doing something wrong with the process. Even worse, to not get an answer one way or another from the potential employer by the date they said they would get back to you. I practically spammed this lady to get an answer out of her- and let it be known that if an employer doesn't get back to you quickly / on time, chances are you didn't catch that bus to employment town. They will stay in close touch with those that they want and a lot of times just "forget" about the no-gos. It seems like employers just like to avoid that whole "I'm just not that into you" message so they just don't say anything at all. How hard is it to send an email or call a person and just say- hey, you're great but we're looking for something else. I am trying to stay positive. I got an encouraging phone message about another job- I'm on the "short list." The politics with this stuff are incredible.
So I am alive, happy internet. I'm still dealing with internet paranoia but I think I have it under control now.
Yesterday I went to the funeral for my great-aunt in Walterboro, South Carolina. I felt really sad for my grandmother because she was so sad that her sister died. It must be such a terrible feeling to watch your family die and know that you're next and not far off. She's about to be 89, so I'm not sure if she even realizes these things or not (a little dementia can be a good thing). The service was at a Baptist church and was really bizarre, not exactly what I'm used to in term of religion. Like any event involving ritual or rites of passage, I had my anthropology goggles on. In this service, it was run clearly by men. Three male preachers or pastors or whatever they were led the pal bearers in a processional inside the church. The three head guys then ran the service, which involved no interaction from the guests (congregation)- except for that optional "amen" at the end of certain prayers. The only singing was done by one soloist man who was in the front, too. I wanna know where the women at? Just not my cup of tea. But- my great aunt's religion did help her a lot in her life and especially when she was sick in the hospital.
You really have to credit religion for serving its purpose sometimes. One thing about anthropology goggles and religion is that it can turn you into an atheist really fast- though I'm not. I still believe but I also understand what the function of religions ARE and how they can change over time to suit the spiritual needs of a culture (not much sacrifice going on in the US anymore, is there? There are reasons for this kind of cultural change).
So anyway. I didn't get one of the jobs that I really really wanted. When that happened it was the first time I have cried during this whole process. It's just so disappointing to be rejected and not know why- it really does make you feel like you're damaged goods or that there is something wrong with you or that you're doing something wrong with the process. Even worse, to not get an answer one way or another from the potential employer by the date they said they would get back to you. I practically spammed this lady to get an answer out of her- and let it be known that if an employer doesn't get back to you quickly / on time, chances are you didn't catch that bus to employment town. They will stay in close touch with those that they want and a lot of times just "forget" about the no-gos. It seems like employers just like to avoid that whole "I'm just not that into you" message so they just don't say anything at all. How hard is it to send an email or call a person and just say- hey, you're great but we're looking for something else. I am trying to stay positive. I got an encouraging phone message about another job- I'm on the "short list." The politics with this stuff are incredible.
So I am alive, happy internet. I'm still dealing with internet paranoia but I think I have it under control now.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
oh Rachel Ray, you're a national treasure!
Last night I was brushing my teeth in my bathroom and as I was brushing a baby roach flew out of the ceiling and landed on my hand. The same hand that was holding my toothbrush in my mouth. If that won't make you paranoid as shit I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL.
On the subject of oral hygiene, I was excited to find 6 tubes of Tom's of Maine toothpaste new-in-the-box at my local flea market today. I know that they are real and not scary fake/poisoned things because they were at one of the booths of 20 boxes of pharmacy items. In the past year a type of flea market vendor has emerged where all they sell are boxes and boxes of brand new pharmacy items. It seems like they buy it in bulk and that the items are overstock/damaged/changing packaging/out of season. It's really crazy stuff- toothpaste, toothbrushes, deodorant, razors, condoms, vitamins, notebooks, camera film (usually expired), makeup, shampoo... EVERYTHING. And it's all $1 each or 2 for $1. Usually you don't find really nice things like Tom's of Maine but today I was pleasantly surprised, especially since I'm about to finish my tube that I had. I also found some kind of tea tree oil spray toner organic blah blah. I do realize, though, that some things are better bought "for-real" new in the store.
Two friends from my good old alma mater came to visit last night on their way to the beach. It was the first time I found myself talking about college- to former classmates- in a reminiscent kind of way. The same way I talk about high school. It made me feel really lame. We had a good time, though, and it was great to see college people. I really want to go up to Asheville to see Daniel Johnston on Tuesday and also visit the homies up there. I may take it upon myself to convince the boyfriend to go... but I don't know yet.
My old-skool buddy C is in town and had a graduation party at her house today. It was precious and fun. I guess you know you're really growing up when you start enjoying adults significantly more than you used to.
I also want to make it known that I would post pictures of the crap I talk about on this blog but I can't right now because I'm using my mom's computer. We got this computer in ... 1999? Earlier? It has Windows 98. I think it would seriously die if I tried to do pictures on it. So until I can hook up my computer to the internet there will be no pictures.
On the subject of oral hygiene, I was excited to find 6 tubes of Tom's of Maine toothpaste new-in-the-box at my local flea market today. I know that they are real and not scary fake/poisoned things because they were at one of the booths of 20 boxes of pharmacy items. In the past year a type of flea market vendor has emerged where all they sell are boxes and boxes of brand new pharmacy items. It seems like they buy it in bulk and that the items are overstock/damaged/changing packaging/out of season. It's really crazy stuff- toothpaste, toothbrushes, deodorant, razors, condoms, vitamins, notebooks, camera film (usually expired), makeup, shampoo... EVERYTHING. And it's all $1 each or 2 for $1. Usually you don't find really nice things like Tom's of Maine but today I was pleasantly surprised, especially since I'm about to finish my tube that I had. I also found some kind of tea tree oil spray toner organic blah blah. I do realize, though, that some things are better bought "for-real" new in the store.
Two friends from my good old alma mater came to visit last night on their way to the beach. It was the first time I found myself talking about college- to former classmates- in a reminiscent kind of way. The same way I talk about high school. It made me feel really lame. We had a good time, though, and it was great to see college people. I really want to go up to Asheville to see Daniel Johnston on Tuesday and also visit the homies up there. I may take it upon myself to convince the boyfriend to go... but I don't know yet.
My old-skool buddy C is in town and had a graduation party at her house today. It was precious and fun. I guess you know you're really growing up when you start enjoying adults significantly more than you used to.
I also want to make it known that I would post pictures of the crap I talk about on this blog but I can't right now because I'm using my mom's computer. We got this computer in ... 1999? Earlier? It has Windows 98. I think it would seriously die if I tried to do pictures on it. So until I can hook up my computer to the internet there will be no pictures.
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