I'm lonely tonight, but feeling alright

I have neglected this blog.  I have been alternating between being overwhelmingly busy and not having much to do at all.

I've been reading a lot for pleasure again, which always inspires me to write more.  I am tempted by National Novel Writing Month (nanowrimo) but am resisting because friend G and I got selected to be in the Sustainable Midlands Holiday Market selling out wares (of which I need to be making instead of a novel).

It has been feeling like my life is something similar to a John Irving novel lately.  I recently got an email from my dad about all of my classmates that have come to him to buy engagement rings (he is a jeweler).  I have always known that he is one of the first people in the town I grew up in to know about people's intentions of marriage [it used to thrill me as a child that my dad held such huge secrets], but now those people are people I grew up with.  [I think this is an amazing basis for a novel].  I mostly have felt a general feeling of nausea when hearing about things like this (engagements, babies, weddings), though lately I have just been feeling giddy and happy for those people.  I think a lot of it is just knowing how happy they are at that moment and for the coming months.  I do get jealous these days, though, of people who seem have their shit together.  I think that is because I get lonely.  I am so much better at it than I was but sometimes the rollercoaster that controls my brain chemistry just dives too fast and misinterprets things in dumb ways.  I like this video a lot:



I went to Moogfest on Friday night, it was basically the most fun thing ever.  I miss dancing and djs and crazy lights and feeling euphoric.  I saw my 7th grade boyfriend and recognized him by his voice.  I'm still reeling a little from that, though I was in a rush and couldn't talk.  I can't believe shit, sometimes.

Gosh, feeling down late at night is lame.  I need to sleep.  I really want to feel certain of some things.  I think people go through life looking for certainty about things and the more they find the happier they are, even if that certainty is that they just don't give a damn.

Anyway, I have been listening to The Secret Sisters non stop for like 4 days and mostly just this song:

Things I like all playing together

So, there is a J. Crew distribution center near where I live.  Said distribution center has a big warehouse sale once a month where lots of the cute vintage inspired clothes are marked down to prices that I can afford (can't afford J. Crew normally).  I go pretty much every time it happens if I'm able and have saved some money for it.  This morning I went and waited in line for the longest amount of time EVER (2 hours) but left with some really great pieces.

While waiting in line they had the current J. Crew catalog on hand to whet all the shopping appetites of all the many women waiting (there were some men, most there not on their own accord).  I looked through it twice and found that one of the male models in the current (September 2010) catalog HAS A GIANT BEARD and looks like he JUST JUMPED SHIP FROM THE ALLMAN BROTHERS' ALBUM "BROTHERS AND SISTERS" AND PUT ON A SUIT.

Way to go clean cut J. Crew.  Now I'm going to search my body for the device that obviously has been planted in me that lets J. Crew know everything I like in the world.  I bet the next catalog will come with a free wheaten terrier that smells like lavender when you pet it.

the end

Apple Juice

It just occurred to me that I never posted my entry to an Earthfare video contest on here.  It stars the boys I babysit, S and O.  They are major characters in my life- as you will understand if you watch the video.

Be sure to look out for S being 100% hilarious and repeating everything O says and the chocolate all over O's teeth at one point.  Oh boy, I do love those boys.

I need the darkness, someone please cut the lights

I'm back in Asheville.  I'm pretty pleased to be back.  My living situation has caused some stress but I am moving at the end of the month so things will be changing soon.  It will be my first apartment all to myself.  I've been reading the blog Tiny-Ass Apartment as well as obsessing over Apartment Therapy since I put the deposit down.  I'll be purging a lot of my stuff soon to prepare.  The possibility of a dog is in the future once I recover from the financial stress of doctors bills (all well visits) housing deposits, travel, etc.

I had a pretty crazy experience while I was at home.  My mom and I went to the Verizon store to get new phones (time to sign a new contract).  I seriously hate going to the Verizon store.  I usually do look forward to getting a new phone (toy) and can deal with the store for that- but this time.... I think the combination of the weight of getting a new phone when my old one works pretty well (4+ years later!) and my mom trying to explain what she wanted to the commission-obsessed salesman when she doesn't really understand what exactly she wants... I don't know.  The store was packed with people musing over new phone gadgets and I just started feeling really really crazy.  I thought I was going to freak out, it must be what people who get claustrophobic feel like.  I just told mom we had to leave and I walked out.  She was good about it and we just left.  I've never gone nuts in that way before.  I think the bi-polar-ness I feel when I'm at home influenced that a lot.  I have moments of extreme vulnerability when I'm there.

I think I'm going through some kind of life-stage that is purely grounded in a holistic search to make me happy.  That includes not working a standard 40-hour a week job, learning to be comfortable in solitude (dealing with loneliness in healthy ways), and just saying yes to everything that has potential for excitement, even if there may be consequences later.  Being in the mountains makes me so happy.  It thrills me that I can drive for a while and sleep outside where I can see ALL THE STARS.

Since I work about 20 hours a week right now (all at night), I have a lot of time to play during the day.  I've been trying to fill my days as much as possible with outside activities and exercise.  Being outside and moving helps my brain so much.  I try to go on at least one adventure every day.

I have been listening pretty much solely to Lissie lately (burnout on She & Him is a sad reality).  Lissie's album is going to be huge, I promise.  In case you might question her complete rad-ness here is PROOF:


I babysat a lot last week.  4-year-old S is trip, hanging out with him is like hanging out with someone who is on drugs (typical 4-year-old).  He was drinking some kind of sparkling water drink he calls "fizzy water."   I said, "S, what does that fizzy water taste like?" and he said very slowly,
"it. tastes. like. your. blood."
"really? how do you know that?"
"I don't know"
"you said it tastes like my blood, what does that taste like?"
".......fizzy water"

I also would like to plug quite possibly the greatest blog I've read in years: Hyperbole and a Half.  You should read the greatest entry of all time which is called This is Why I'll Never be an Adult.  It explained my life to myself in a way that I had not ever realized.

I got a ticket to see Sufjan Stevens in Asheville when he comes in November.  I am hoping (borderline praying) that he will play some of his Christmas music when he is here.

Here are some pictures from recent adventures:

This is the jam:

home on the range

I am staying at my mom's house in SC this week.  Here is a list she made on a piece of paper that I have been glancing at for the past 30 minutes until I realized there is no unifying theme (that I can tell, I'm sure there is).  In the theme of Found Magazine, I give you this list (I "estimated" on some words)  Also, "CHS" in her language refers to Charleston, SC:

90 degrees in the shade Look Away!
Naturalist
William Bartram Palmetto State
Chatooga trails
ID plants & animals
locating dude in villages
Low Country - Sandhills
Highlander
Ceril Waisetes
1 ce tea Elvis
Shagging (state dance) @ Myrtle Beach
Porgy & Bess
Historic, Deliverance's Chatooga
Beautiful & Romantic CHS
Hiking History Rivers
Gardens - plantations, wars, CHS fills 2 shelveo@

Wind in my Sails

I am in Connecticut visiting my family.  My aunt has pretty bad breast cancer and she just got done with a really aggressive form of chemo.  She is really sick.  She doesn't have any hair.  I have never been around a cancer patient like this.  It makes me so afraid.

My cousins were here, though (they are my age) and it was great to be around the whole family.  It's so rare to have "everyone together" when you grow up, I always think about people as part of the unit they were with when I was a child.  I love it when it all comes back together.

My uncle recently bought a sailboat off of craigslist.  He doesn't know how to sail very well but we still went out twice this past weekend on the Thames river.  He taught me to sail and now I am totally in love with sailing.  There is magic in the power of wind blowing you across the water- trying to harness it just enough to go where you intend to go but recognizing that you really don't have any control at all.  That wind can die down just as fast as it can pick up.  It falls into my mantra that I've been thinking a lot about in the past few months: "Don't push the river, it flows."  Also, the energy conservation geek in me gets totally high off of the fact that the boat is powered on nothing but wind- way cool.  On one tack I caught the wind and the boat leaned 30 degrees!  (that is a lot)

One hand on the tiller and one hand on the jib line tacking like a motherfucking professional

I was supposed to catch the train back to NYC this afternoon but a huge thunderstorm knocked out the electricity to the Amtrak trains running between Boston and NYC.  I am secretly glad to stay, even though the cousins and their friends are gone now.  I really love how healing it can be to be in a "grownup" household.  

One year later

A brief reflection one year later: